Happy Lonely Heart’s Day
by Claire Salzman
February is a hard month. The cloudy, gray skies hang heavy, and the 28 short days (29 this year) seem to weld together. The only break in this month’s
monotony comes two weeks in, on the day set aside for love, happiness and other disgusting emotions of a similar na- ture: Valentine’s Day. But for the lonely hearts of the world, February never ends.
It goes without saying, but I’m single. No worries; I love it. For me, Valentine’s Day is just another dreadful winter day, free of romance and roses. However, as one of America’s 99.6 million single individuals*, Valentine’s Day brings prejudice, excluding all those without a relationship from the warm and fuzzy feelings that result from a box of choco- lates. So, I’m calling to the Holiday Coun- cil of America, or whoever is in charge of creating new holidays, to create a holiday for single people everywhere.
This holiday, which I have dubbed Lonely Heart’s Day, will occur the first day of February every year, and will be cele- brated by lonely – I mean, single – people, as they embrace their solidarity. Of course, all schools will get the day off, and florists, chocolatiers, jewelry stores and Hallmark card shops will be closed to recognize the triumphs of single people throughout history and in the modern era. Though the holiday will be celebrated by men and women alike, the different sexes must pass Lone- ly Heart’s Day with separate traditions in accordance to each gender’s specific needs:
Ladies, grab the closest tub of chocolate ice cream you can find, throw on your most unattractive and baggy sweatpants and pop in a Drew Barrymore movie. Time to pamper yourself, knowing you have no one to impress. Paint your nails, slap some cucumbers over your eyes, run a hot bubble bath and soak up your single- hood. You don’t need a man, nor do you want one. It’s all about you, girlfriend.
Gentlemen, snatch the first bag of chips in the pantry, keep on your stained t-shirt and plaid pajama pants and settle in for a long day of Call of Duty. With no girls around, there’s no need to hold any odors back. Embrace your masculinity, revel in your filth and whatever you do, don’t shave the five o’clock shadow sprouting on your chin. It’s all about you, boyfriend…which I mean in a to- tally platonic way.
We are the single, the proud, the 99.6 million Lonely Hearts of America. Even with Valentine’s Day around the corner, we aren’t look- ing for Mr./Ms. Right, but if you find him/her, don’t be afraid to hand out our phone numbers.
*Numbers courtesy of the 2010 U.S. Census Data