February is a hard month. The cloudy, gray skies hang heavy, and the 28 short days (29 this year) seem to weld together. The only break in this month’s
monotony comes two weeks in, on the day set aside for love, happiness and other disgusting emotions of a similar na- ture: Valentine’s Day. But for the lonely hearts of the world, February never ends.

It goes without saying, but I’m single. No worries; I love it. For me, Valentine’s Day is just another dreadful winter day, free of romance and roses. However, as one of America’s 99.6 million single individuals*, Valentine’s Day brings prejudice, excluding all those without a relationship from the warm and fuzzy feelings that result from a box of choco- lates. So, I’m calling to the Holiday Coun- cil of America, or whoever is in charge of creating new holidays, to create a holiday for single people everywhere.

This holiday, which I have dubbed Lonely Heart’s Day, will occur the first day of February every year, and will be cele- brated by lonely – I mean, single – people, as they embrace their solidarity. Of course, all schools will get the day off, and florists, chocolatiers, jewelry stores and Hallmark card shops will be closed to recognize the triumphs of single people throughout history and in the modern era. Though the holiday will be celebrated by men and women alike, the different sexes must pass Lone- ly Heart’s Day with separate traditions in accordance to each gender’s specific needs:

For women
Ladies, grab the closest tub of chocolate ice cream you can find, throw on your most unattractive and baggy sweatpants and pop in a Drew Barrymore movie. Time to pamper yourself, knowing you have no one to impress. Paint your nails, slap some cucumbers over your eyes, run a hot bubble bath and soak up your single- hood. You don’t need a man, nor do you want one. It’s all about you, girlfriend.

For men
Gentlemen, snatch the first bag of chips in the pantry, keep on your stained t-shirt and plaid pajama pants and settle in for a long day of Call of Duty. With no girls around, there’s no need to hold any odors back. Embrace your masculinity, revel in your filth and whatever you do, don’t shave the five o’clock shadow sprouting on your chin. It’s all about you, boyfriend…which I mean in a to- tally platonic way.

We are the single, the proud, the 99.6 million Lonely Hearts of America. Even with Valentine’s Day around the corner, we aren’t look- ing for Mr./Ms. Right, but if you find him/her, don’t be afraid to hand out our phone numbers.

*Numbers courtesy of the 2010 U.S. Census Data

No, that was not a typo. Imposing uniforms not only makes sense, but would make life easier. Many students pick their outfits the night before school, but imagine not having to do any pre-planning. Mornings would be much smoother. There would be no hurry to quickly pick out a top and pair of pants that may or may not end up matching, leaving plenty of time for the breakfast most of us hardly ever eat.

Principal Dr. Mike Havener and the rest of the administration have discussed bringing blazers and plaid skirts to KHS, based on Vashon High School’s decision to switch to uniforms (Vashon is another St. Louis public school). Unfortunately, the conversations were very informal and not at the district level. Havener believes uniforms are unnecessary and the current dress code is not an issue, saying the district’s dress code “respects the rights of the students as individuals.”

However, it’s not a question of respect, it’s a question of practicality. Dress code violations occur on a daily basis (leggings, anyone?). If the administration were to bring uniforms into the school system there would be no struggles of making sure pants are not too low or shorts are not too tight.

We all do it, so don’t deny it-walking down the hallway after class everyday and judging a peer based on what they are wearing. The judgments can be positive too, I’ll admit that, but I would bet my Prada perfume the negative still outweigh the good. Bullying and snide remarks at times occur due to not owning the most popular brands or dressing uniquely. Uniforms would eliminate this sort of bullying and put students on a more equal level.

Although the thought of showing up in the same outfit as someone else makes me cringe, uniforms would be the only exception to such a horror. And that’s fashion-forward.

This term has annoyed me since I developed a true understanding of it. The belief that I act white or want to be white is an incorrect classification. The reason students call black people like myself Oreos is because they don’t know what to think of us. In their eyes, we are different. We break the stereotype and go against their perception of a black person. I don’t have any tricks up my sleeve and I’m not trying to create an illusion. Is it the way I act? Is it the way I speak that drives you to tell me that I am white? Is it my intelligence? The way I think? Is it my unusual personality? Please tell me. I want to know.

Ever since middle school, students of both races called me “Oreo.” Back then it used to hurt when friends or classmates told me who I was when they were completely wrong. Other black students shared their hatred for the word as well. When both races categorize me as an Oreo, it feels as if no one accepts me for who I am. I feel I’m a minority within a minority.

Now, if I’m an Oreo, then I guess other intelligent, well-spoken and goal-oriented African-Americans can be classified as Oreos as well. President Barack Obama, billionaire and television mogul Oprah Winfrey, former Secretaries of State Colin Powell and Condoleezza Rice, literary leaders Maya Angelou and Toni Morrison, and television and movie giants Sidney Pioiter and Bill Cosby. The list goes on and on, and I don’t consider these individuals Oreos.

I am what you see. I am a black individ- ual. I am the same as you. There should be no confusion on what to classify me. It’s the way I am. Skin tone should not matter, only someone’s personality and character.

So let’s think about using the term Oreo for its real purpose, a delicious cookie that satisfies the sweet tooth of many people around the world, not the meaning society has bestowed on it.

Then, I got to high school, I got a Facebook and I found out how you make someone’s life miserable. “Cyberbullying,” as it is most commonly called, affects over half of teens and adolescents on either the giving or receiving end, according to the i-SAFE foundation, a non-profit foundation that advocates for teen safety on the Internet. I don’t think cyberbullying is the right word to describe what goes on online daily at KHS.

To me, cyberbullying is a term scared parents and local news reporters use to describe the destruction of today’s youth via the internet. But in reality, fighting, gossiping and making fun of others through social media is part of everyday life in high school.

I’m not writing this column for people who have no idea what it means to be tagged in a Facebook photo or what a hashtag is. This is for the people who, whether they realize it or not, are making other people’s lives miserable through social media.

Listen, I get it. I understand that the freshman who hooked up with your ex deserved what was coming to her. But insecurity and pain aren’t always caused by the maniacal 14-year-old plotting against Suzy Pigtails on an anonymous online chat room. It can be caused by the honor roll student who decides to tweet about how slutty the class below her is.

Another genius high school tactic is masking a direct jab at another student with a general negative statement. Example: @notarealstudent32 “Some people just don’t know their place. #backoff.” Clearly this person isn’t angry at everyone in his/her life. It’s directed toward one person, and it always hurts to be on the receiving end.

Constant and dangerous bullying via the Internet is more of an approachable conflict. If a person talks directly about you online, please, go see a counselor. There are plenty of people at our school who will support you. But the subtle things hurt the most, the comments too brief and indirect to be reported to an adult.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if the bullies from my childhood were online. The idea of Regina George from Mean Girls having a Twitter makes me cringe. Then again, she’d probably have more followers than Justin Bieber. How about the O’Doyle brothers from Billy Madison torturing Adam Sandler via Facebook? He wouldn’t make it past second grade. #O’DoyleRules. Then there’s Nelson from The Simpsons. That demoralizing “haha” might not be as effective in print, but Bart wouldn’t be able to escape that 10-year-old yellow jerk on his skateboard. The message would be constantly waiting for him on his computer at home.

We will never be able to stop the presence of bullies in high schools. No matter how many “Bullying Stops Here” signs we put up in the halls, there will be those who continue to try to make others’ lives terrible. What worries me are the people who wouldn’t normally talk bad about someone else if they didn’t have a phone and Internet access. I wish bullies would go back to throwing kids into trashcans. At least they faced their issues in person.

In reconciliation for all of the subtle jabs I’ve made toward teachers and students at KHS, I’ve decided to come clean and apologize for my insensitivity. Here are a few examples:

@JoeWeber41 8/10/11 4:07 p.m- “There’s only a few things I hate more than kids who carry an Arnold Palmer with them wherever you go.”
-I’m sorry, Arnold Palmer kids. All you wanted was to enjoy a delicious combination of lemonade and ice tea. In your defense, the can has a pretty cool design. Keep drinking with pride.

@JoeWeber41 6/28/11 7:15 p.m-“Never gave an administrator such a dirty look as I did when Ms. McGrath suggested Comic Sans text for our senior class t-shirts.”

-Though I hoped my class principal never saw this, I know now the journalism geek in me got the best of me. This is America, we should be able to love any font we want. Cathy McGrath, I never meant to put you down.

@JoeWeber41 9/29/11 8:53 a.m- “The sophomore class are the kings of rocking the “one ear bud in the hallway” look. #hellachill

-Dear Class of 2014, not only did I generalize your entire grade based on my observations of a few people, but there is nothing wrong with enjoying the hits of Lil Wayne in between class periods. Everyone deserves a little musical inspiration during the day.

Hipsters avoid labels as well as being labeled.  They hold very high standards in all aspects of music, fashion, politics, food and literature, and will not hesitate to call you out for listening to Coldplay or eating non-organic chicken. They travel in highly selective groups, generally regulated by amount of facial hair.

Clean-shaven hipsters typically dress well, listen to avant-garde electronic music and own at least one pair of Ray Ban Wayfarer sunglasses. The next group of hipsters is slightly more rogue, with unkempt hair and enough stubble to sand your shop class birdhouse. Two “No-shave Novembers” later and the final majority of hipsters is born, many of whom could be confused with Zach Galifianakis. They can be found at Iron & Wine concerts, and typically dress in flannel shirts and corduroy pants. While most hipsters will refuse to let you into their exclusive groups, the full-bearded type requires little more than a love for badly recorded folk music.

Hipsters have a very nutritious diet, and shop at organic supermarkets such as Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s. When having a hipster over for dinner, never ever let them know if non-organic food was used- they will proceed to explain in great depth the horrors of dairy processing plants and how joining PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) changed their lives. To stay on the safe side, present them with a bag of dry oats and non-branded milk.

Hipsters prefer a habitat where they can be immersed in some kind of art form. Record stores, art galleries and coffee shops are most likely to attract all types of hipsters. Since many non-hipsters also congregate at these locations, you must be ready to interact with hipsters confidently. Come prepared to discuss NPR, foreign films, and various types of tea. Also, don’t forget to mention how cool you think vintage fashions are. (Author’s note: An American Apparel employee has recently informed me that “deck” is now the correct term, as “cool” just isn’t trendy enough.)

Armed with this valuable information, you should be more than confident about your social skills when faced with a hipster. Show respect, be prepared and never let them know that the sweater they’re wearing is the same one you got for your grandmother last Christmas.

How hipster is Kirkwood? Take this quiz.

Count the amount of times you chose the third option. If you picked the third option 5-7 times, you are a genuine hipster. If you picked it 3-4 times, you have hipster potential, and if you picked it 0-2 times, you can be assured you are not a hipster.

Since the site is often redesigned, many older Facebook layouts have satisfied the stalking needs of many since the birth of the website in 2004. All someone has to do is type a name into the search bar and they can look through their photos, find out easily if they are in a relationship, see who they talk to and what they are doing without actually speaking with them.

Facebook has always made it easy for all interested students to watch someone’s every move. But recently, the website has taken the creepiness to another level.

One new aspect of this layout is the “subscribe” button. This means even if someone is not “friends” with a person, they can still receive the updates from that person in their Newsfeed. Not only will this person get the awkward notification that they are number one on someone’s stalking hit list, but so will the rest of the world.

The rest of the world has also been getting dizzy over the new timeline constantly moving above the chat sidebar. It lets people know every single photo someone is tagged in at the very second it happens, the music they are currently listening to, and every time they like a status or a picture. The timeline is meant to be informational, but is instead distracting since a new update appears on it every second, making the entire sidebar move continuously.

Has the thought ever occurred to the creators of the website that maybe people don’t need to know absolutely everything? Being put in a position where a lot of information is available can be interesting, but can be annoying.

We are now continuously deluged with meaningless information every time we log on to Facebook. Whenever someone harmlessly clicks “like,” it turns into another thing for everyone to waste time reading.

Sure, maybe the solution seems simple to some: just delete your Facebook and stop complaining. But not only can Facebook be vastly entertaining at times, it is also a good website to keep up with people, whether it’s friends or favorite bands.

So Facebook, please just do everyone a favor and stop changing. Sometimes, less is more.

The Facebook friend request I received from my sister seemed normal and innocent. One look at her profile page revealed signs of something strange. She had only 22 friends, 11 tagged photos and several wall posts still awaiting a response. I saw all of this thanks to her pathetically low privacy settings. Other parts of her profile matched up perfectly with a typical high school girl. Her favorite musical artists were Dave Matthew’s Band and Lady Gaga, and her favorite movies included Mean Girls and 13 Going On 30. Finally, I noticed the strange thing about her profile.

She’s eight years old.

I was shocked and alarmed. I immediately ran to tell my mother (who once grounded me for getting a Myspace account without telling her) the news, but her face showed no surprise as I tattled on my sister. In fact, my mom was in on it. None of my sister’s friend requests could be accepted without my mother’s approval, and she kept an eye on the whole thing through her own page. I’m sure she views Facebook like a box of Kix’s cereal: Kid tested, mother approved.

A pre-teen joining Facebook is nothing new. In eighth grade when Myspace still stood atop social networking, many of my classmates were beginning to join Facebook, and many a middle schooler can be found on the site today. Not too many eight year olds though (atleast I hope not), and for good reason. Facebook pages expose children to online predators, but the greatest danger my sister faces on Facebook comes from her friends. An eight year olds writing and reading is still in its developmental stages, and the lols and urs of Facebook could have a greater impact on her than a normal user. She just doesn’t need one. Her circle of friends numbers two to three and has a one block diameter, and she doesn’t have a schedule to manage or any groups to communicate with. Practical reasons aside, I also don’t need any (more) statuses about Barbie dolls or Hannah Montana clogging my news feed. Even though she is my sister, I felt perfectly alright clicking the decline button on her friend request.

Since 24 million people suffer from eating disorders in the US*, there is a certain sensitivity toward the topic. But some people don’t know how far is too far. A new Halloween costume has created an uproar, as it attempts to sexify and mock eating disorders. This outfit, designed by the company Dreamgirl, is a low-cut black dress with the print of a skeleton on it and a red heart nametag reading “Anna Rexia.”

“[This costume] makes light of something really serious,” William Walters, coordinator at the National Eating Disorders Association, said to a New York newspaper, The Village Voice. “It’s hard for us to find it funny.”

No kidding. Anorexia is no laughing matter. It is the third most common chronic illness in adolescents with a mortality rate 12 times higher than that associated with all causes of death for females 15 to 24 years old.

Not to mention how tasteless the original idea was. The unfortunate decision to make the illness appear sexy by squeezing the costume on a blonde model whose bosom bursts from the skimpy black dress is utterly disgusting. What poor taste, especially considering the horrific effects anorexia has on the body. According to the eating disorder treatment center Avalon Hills, a person with anorexia has dry skin, brittle nails, fine hair growing all over the body and hair loss on the head, never mind the weight loss, which creates a sallow face and overly- pronounced ribs. Hardly a hot blonde with a big chest.

Nice attempt at a joke, Dreamgirl costume designers. You’re just a little light on humor.

*Statistics courtesy of National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders

For instance, it’s all about the socks at KHS. The first thing people notice: Nike or not? Companies can charge at least $10 more for socks that have a “swoosh” on them, which is essentially a check mark. Check, you are now accepted at KHS.

Socks and sneakers aside, students still follow the unnatural pattern of choosing popular brand names when it comes to their taste buds. For example, Coca-Cola was preferred over Pepsi by 65 percent (183/281). However, when put in a situation where they did not know which soda they were drinking, the result was not the same. When students participated in a blind taste test, only six out of 68 students liked Coke better. Some students even announced before they began that they knew which soda was which and said their preference but proceeded to choose differently after the test. It’s safe to assume that the students prefer the brand over the taste of the product.

KHS was a Pepsi-sponsored school until this year. Since the change, students have been seen throwing away their babysitting money on Coke products instead. After KHS’ three-year contract with Pepsi ended last year, the school received bids from two beverage companies: Coke and Pepsi. Although they both offered the school 20 percent commission, Coke was the choice because they offered additional benefits the administration thought would benefit the school. Students now save a quarter every time they want a soda.

Trends have left me wondering whether people genuinely like the product they are buying more than others, or if they pay that little bit of extra money or time for something more popular. For instance, students sport iPods and other Apple products when there are more affordable products they could buy that are just as capable. An 8GB iPod Touch is $229, while a Zune digital media player with 16GB is $160. Both media players have very similar functions including music, video, podcasts, games and more. However, everyone knows an iPod Touch is “cooler.”

Major fast-food chains such as McDonald’s, Burger King, Subway, Steak ‘n Shake and Chick-fil-A all have Coke at their restaurants instead of Pepsi. Pepsi is sometimes considered sub-par because it does not have the tradition or glorification of Coke

In the south, you’ll even hear people calling all kinds of soda “Coke” just by default, even though it is a brand name that technically only applies to one type of soda. Coke always wins. And although the inventions of Coke and Pepsi are separated by a mere 12 years, it is a common notion that Coke is older than Pepsi by much more. Their old-fashioned logo and signature glass bottle signify age, and everyone knows to respect their elders.

Coke is superior in all aspects but for me, the brand name and appearance don’t matter. It’s all about the taste.

The couches were removed due to the fact that they catch fire easily and are “stationary” items that have a greater chance of potentially setting the whole school into flames, according to what the Fire Department told the administration. In that case, other hazards should be removed as well. So, I have listed a few items that, if taken out of the school, would make KHS a less dangerous place for everyone. So the administration should sincerely consider the following. It is for the safety of the students, after all.

1. Those pesky paper books in all the English rooms – they’re probably even more stationary in classrooms than those little paper stationaries people have at home, but never actually use for anything. Those – the books – just need to go.

2. The desks in the classrooms are not to be messed with. They’re wooden blocks of doom waiting to consume us in fire that could be caused by accidental spillage of gasoline and the lighting of a match.

3. Since students enjoy using their textbooks as a means of creating a fire to roast marshmallows, those should probably go, as well. Too much danger in such a small form. It’s definitely bad news.

4. Don’t forget about those horrible backpacks.  They’re rubbing up against your clothes so much that the friction they cause is waiting to cause a massive fire, which is enough to ruin anyone’s day.

5. Flesh is very flammable as well, so the best way for everyone to stay safe is to wear flame retardant body suits – or just remove everyone from the school and be done with all these hazards once and for all.