PDA: Not okay.

“When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that’s amoré,” Dean Martin sang in the early 50s, and boy did he have infatuated couples pegged: blind to the world. Granted, that 14-inch circular entrée smacking anyone in the face would cause at least momentary loss of sight, but sometimes with teenage love that extra cheesy piece sticks for too long. Being in a young romance can be fun, sweet and even healthy, though not necessarily to watch. So, it’s time to peel the pepperoni off the eyes and see that public make-out sessions only make the public gag.

Everyone loves “looooove,” and, in moderation at appropriate times, showing that affection helps to strengthen a relationship. Holding hands is cute. A peck before class is acceptable. Cornering a significant other against the wall and giving a minute-by-minute recount of the last hour is creepy, but still okay. Using your tongues to give each other tonsillectomies through mouths you’ve superhumanly-stretched wide enough to swallow whole grapefruits, however, is not. No positive adjective can follow that scenario.

Sorry, but it can’t.

Whispers of sweet nothings are often spoken too loud and, contrary to their title, inform too much about private somethings. For those who have to endure constant gushing, fawning or touching, the loving couple turns from tolerable to aggravating. The problem shows its ugly face in the worst way when the offenders block the hall like a piece of cholesterol clogging a coronary artery. Bad enough, the participants insist on swallowing each other’s faces, but to then risk potentially consuming others around them, or even worse causing tardiness to class, is just down right awful.

School is a learning environment, not your bedroom. The First Amendment does protect freedom of speech, ideas, religion and the right to assemble, but not with your “snuggle-muffin.” You and your “cuddly baked-good’s” union can be qualified as a distraction in school and this might fall into the category where preventative measures must be put in place.

In 2007 schools all across the country took a strong stand against public displays of affection (PDA), even going so far as to ban hugging. Percy Julian Middle School in Oak Park, IL and Kilmer Middle School in Vienna, VA enforce a strict “no contact” policy including high-fives. Though these cases are extreme, the warning still remains the same: chill out or there may be legal action taken against your overly-groped patooties.

To end on a lighter note, The Call would like to summarize it’s view on PDA in the form of song. Even if you are in a relationship, it is an enjoyable number to sing especially at the overly friendly couple consummating their love in front of your third period class. Try it to the tune of the chorus from “How Do You Solve A Problem Like Maria” from The Sound of Music:

How do you solve a problem like teenage lovers?

How do you make them stop or cut it out?

How do you find the word, to show your pure disgust?

A gagging sound! Shield your eyes! Here they are now!

Many a thing you know you’d like to tell them.

Many a thing they ought to understand.

But how do you make them stay?

Or simply move out of your way?

When all they want to do is just MAKE-OUT?