Why I’m not voting this year

Holden Foreman, web editor

*This blog is entirely satirical


KHS students aged 18 and older (by election day) registered to vote during homeroom last Thursday, Sep. 8, as the November election season looms around the corner. Voting, they say, is like selecting the shiniest of two turds. But this year, it feels like choosing lethal injection or the electric chair. And I don’t want to die. So, to save America from descent into inferno, I have decided not to vote in the 2016 presidential election.

Obviously, Donald Trump is Lucifer in the flesh. His blatant embrace of fascism and white supremacy has garnered support from the Ku Klux Klan, for Pete’s sake! In essence, the blind faith of Trump’s “silent majority” shows the stupidity of popular sovereignty. How can we allow people to vote for the man who will start World War III? Neither Congress nor the courts can stop this behemoth; in fact, checks and balances are just a myth created to complicate my government class. Trump can simply scream, “You’re fired!” to anyone in his way, and political gridlock will cease to exist.

Since Trump is the devil, his followers are no more than mindless fiends. Their flag-laden pickup trucks already tear through streets at 100 mph, and they will soon have AR-15s in tow. Think of the children! I simply cannot stand for a country where “The Purge” is a daily occurrence. Therefore, you will not be finding Donald Trump’s name on my ballot.

On the other hand, there is the Democratic Party’s prototypical puppet, Hillary Clinton. If her email servers are any indication, no one’s privacy will be safe with this woman in office. Her “Pokemon Go to the polls!” comment clearly illustrates a level of ignorance unfit for the Oval Office. Maybe you trust a social media diva with negotiations in Russia, China and the Middle East, but I do not stand with her.

Furthermore, Hillary claims to be making history, yet she is married to a former president. This sounds more like a reversion to the ancient Chinese empires. Not to mention, the man she is succeeding in the Clinton dynasty cheated on her. Today, Bill can hardly even speak straight. It’s not like Hillary is in pristine health herself, although her medical evaluation did take more than five minutes to write.

Just vote third party, you may be thinking. But what’s the point? Jill Stein is busy coaxing Harambe supporters, and Gary Johnson is sending a slightly suggestive message with his unofficial slogan, “Feel the Johnson.” These candidates never win, and I’m not going to waste my time waiting in line to vote for some no-name loser who can’t take a hint when they run every four years.

At least in North Korea, people know the elections are rigged. Here, our “privileged” voters have to suffer the knowledge that their decision directly caused destruction. That’s why over 40 percent of Americans forfeited their vote in 2008, and if they can save themselves from guilt, so can I.

In the end, voting it is my choice, and no history teacher’s lecture can change that. George Washington isn’t here to complain about how he fought some big war for my freedom. That very freedom lets me stay home and play Xbox, while more “responsible” folks waste away at the ballots. I can vote to send this country down a spiral, I can vote for a loser or I can simply not vote. And, as they say, ignorance is bliss.