The student who ruined his future by not doing Chess Club

*This blog is entirely satirical

Being accepted into college has never been more challenging. Many students’ dreams of a higher education are never realized and they’re forced to spend the remainder of their meaningless lives working the night shift at McDonald’s until they die alone on the streets. One student, Stuart “Stu” Pedd, realized this bleak future after his application to Harvard was rejected due to one crucial error; he didn’t participate in his high school Chess Club.

Pedd now attends Webster University, where he studies toll booth attendant marketing. After he realized the fatal flaw in his resume, Webster was the best option he had, and even getting in there was a close call. After some adjustment time, Pedd has been able to reflect on his life-changing experiences.

“Originally, I was super excited to go to Harvard so I could study electrical engineering and computer science, but I’ve come to realize that Webster is just as good,” Pedd said. “At least I’m still going to college. There’s no shame in Webster.”

Pedd is wrong. There is shame in going to Webster. In fact, the news of his failure was so heartbreaking for his deeply-rooted Kirkwood family, they legally disowned him, cut off all communication and moved to an isolated island off the coast of Australia.

“I haven’t heard from my family in a few years,” Pedd said. “But that’s alright. I never liked them much anyway. I have my American Girl Doll collection to keep me company now. Right Strawberry?”

But how did Pedd go from a potential Harvard graduate to this pathetic, bed-wetting, doll-collecting, shadow of a human being he is today?

“I thought I was a good student” Pedd said. “I had a 4.25 GPA, I took eight AP classes, I was the valedictorian of my class, I was the captain of the football team, I volunteered 20 hours a week, I skipped two grades and I even won the Nobel Peace Prize. Plus, I’m a disabled, Russian immigrant who lives with his gay adoptive parents who make minimum wage at a sneaker factory. I thought I had it all, but I forgot the Chess Club.”

I’m a loser. And it’s all because I wasn’t part of a chess club. How could I be so Stu-Pedd…”

— Stu Pedd

Students like Pedd simply don’t do enough in their limited time to get into a selective school. According to one very credible and accurate study, if you’re getting more than four hours of sleep each night, it is impossible to get into college. This means there is no time for friends, family or even food if you want to get into a decent school.

“Part of my problem was definitely the food,” Pedd said. “I thought if I quit Chess Club, I would finally have time to eat dinner for the first time in my life, but it ended up costing me my entire future.”

Multiple AP classes, extracurriculars and service hours simply aren’t enough anymore. To any KHS student with below a 4.5 GPA looking to have a job somewhere other than a fast food restaurant, I say good luck. If there’s a single activity you could be doing that you aren’t, you might as well just submit an application to Burger King now.

“Nobody wants to end up like me,” Pedd said. “I’m a loser. And it’s all because I wasn’t part of a chess club. How could I be so Stu-Pedd…”