Valentine’s Day victim


Will Drury, copy editor

Bill Bury didn’t have a girlfriend this Valentines day. Instead of going out on a date, he stayed home, watched some Netflix and ate a box of chocolates he bought for himself. Does that make him a loser?


Bill is part of the plague that has been wreaking havoc not just on Valentine’s day, but on all romantic couples. He is one of many who believe in the new notion that it’s ok to be alone, even on this sacred holiday. Although he claims it’s because he shouldn’t have to conform to the idea that everyone needs to be in a relationship to be happy, it’s really just a pathetic and thinly veiled attempt to justify the fact that he can’t find anyone attracted to him.

In fact, Bill should be alone. His attitude towards Valentine’s day is precisely the reason he should never reproduce. If he were any other creature on earth, natural selection would have already done its job. His radical ideas and reckless confidence make him genetically inferior and unsuited to find a mate. He should at least have the decency to feel the humiliation and disappointment he deserves for being the unlovable, joke-of-an-organism he is.

So while everyone else was out having a romantic meal last night, Bill was sitting alone at home eating his cheese puffs off his sweatpants and watching “The 40-Year-Old Virgin” alone with his cat, Whiskers. He doesn’t need your pity and he doesn’t deserve it. He is the sickly solider waging a pointless war against love.

I hope he loses.

*This blog is entirely satirical. In case you couldn’t tell, Bill Bury’s life is roughly based on real events that happened to me, Will Drury.