Everything is Proposition A-OK


Will Drury, copy editor

*This blog is entirely satirical and not intended to offend our audience.

After Proposition A failed to pass almost two years ago, KSD has seen a number of major changes as a result of a finite budget. Although it initially seemed like these changes were for the worse, after two years of adjustment, it’s clear that we simply don’t need the money. So rather than attempt to pass yet another unnecessary proposition to attempt to fix the budget through an inconceivably large tax raise (42 cents per 100 dollars), I propose an alternate solution: cut the budget even more.

As a student, I haven’t noticed a single thing change after Prop A failed. All I’ve seen is teachers complain about how they have too much work to grade each night (shut up, it’s your job), or how they don’t have the money for classroom materials (our pre-reunification German textbooks are just fine) or how they lost their jobs (get over it already). It’s sickening.

We need more cuts to weed out the weaklings still campaigning for Prop K. I can think of at least ten teachers I would be happy to see fired. And isn’t it time we just give up on all the C students and below? I think The Thinning got it right when they created a society where only the smart students survive. And who actually watches freshman, or even JV sports? Definitely not me; it’s pitiful. And why do we need music programs like the jazz band? We don’t live in the 1600s anymore; nobody cares about jazz. It’s time we forget the needs of the few and focus on who really matters: the genetically superior. Who was it again who said, “the days of individual happiness have passed?’ Ah yes, Adolf Hitler.

The days of individual happiness have passed.”

— Adolf Hitler

Although the possibility of cutting things like French club has been suggested, we need to take it a step further. Since the only language we need to know as Americans is English, and the rest of the world isn’t our problem, let’s just eliminate the entire foreign language department. Math is completely irrelevant unless you want to grow up to be some kind of professional nerd, so let’s also get rid of that. We might as well cut art too since it has literally no practical application in the real world. And since everyone knows science is a lie, we can simply dispose of the science department and buy everyone a Bible (or whatever fictional scripture of their choice). Finally, we can tear down a number of the athletic facilities, including the the Walker Natatorium, Denver Miller Gym, field hockey fields and other useless buildings around the football stadium. If you want to learn how to be healthy or lose weight, consult Dr. Oz.

It’s time we start thinking outside of the box (because the box became too expensive). Don’t listen to what anybody else has to say; we need less money. This may be the only time your mother is right when she says “less is more”. So for the future of our schools and safety of our wallets, I’m begging you, vote no on Prop K.

In all seriousness, Prop K will significantly impact both me personally and everyone else in the district, and I think I speak for the majority of us when I say sincerely hope it passes. If you want to learn more relevant information, unlike the wad of baloney you just read, please visit the KSD website or read about it in our upcoming TKC magazine. I’ve already written two satirical pieces about the recent tax levies, and I don’t think I have it in me, in comedic material or emotional strength, to write a third. So if for no other reason than to spare me the anguish, please vote yes on Prop K. I’m serious this time.