Proposition A-Okay

Will Drury, opinions writer

*This blog is entirely satirical and not intended to offend our audience.

Over the next few weeks, KHS will undergo major changes to their budget spending. After Proposition A didn’t pass on Nov. 3, which would have raised the tax levy in order to maintain the current funding needed to support KSD, the district has had to make cutbacks. Here we will cover some of the creative solutions schools have come up with to combat their small funding.

To start off, schools have talked about completely getting rid of obsolete classes such as Geometry, Lifetime Fitness and the entire French Department. In addition, because schools can no longer afford full-time custodians, teachers will now work part-time after school cleaning floors, classrooms and toilets with no pay raise or added benefits. Similar classes such as German and Chinese and Band and AP Calculus will be combined into one class with one teacher, and average class sizes will range between 40 and 50 kids per classroom.

To make extra money to help cover the school’s expenses, KHS will now rent out their facilities to outside businesses. The Denver Miller Gym will now function as a prison for minor offenders, the soccer fields as well as playgrounds at the elementary schools will be re-purposed for livestock and the new privately-funded Walker Natatorium will be used for catfish farming.

In order to spare precious cash, expensive brand-name schools supplies will be replaced with cheap knock-off brands. Activboards will become Deactivatedboards, #2 pencils will be replaced with #3 and popular foods and drinks in the vending machines such as M&M’s, Dr. Pepper, Aquafina water and Crest Toothpaste will be replaced by their lesser known counterparts, M&N’s, Dr. Radical, Golden Stream and Crusty Paste. Also, to conserve water from the drinking fountains, water will be reused from a variety of sources such as rain runoff, school toilets and the band’s spit valves.

A large portion of KSD’s budget comes from general school maintenance, so to cut back many of the schools have decided to get rid of all heating and AC systems. As an alternative, they decided to use wooden fires during the winter, and huge hand-held banana leaf fans in the summer. To save on electricity, many schools have shut off all lights and gone back to traditional candlelight and torches. Even this article was cut back. It was originally typed on a 19th century typewriter on pieces of reused cardboard from a Fruit Circles cereal box and then uploaded to the web on a 1999 Blackberry 850.

Even though some of these changes may seem odd, eventually they will just feel normal. One day you won’t even be able to tell the difference between an Oreo and Cream Between.