Caffeine gives a new kick to your morning cocaine

Will Drury, opinions writer


Article adapted from


Countries in South America have been found adding caffeine to cocaine to give it an extra kick and save money. To study the effect this new drug has on the brain, scientists gave samples of both drugs to a group of rats and made them perform basic tasks. After comparing the results, researchers found that the rats who had the caffeine cocaine ran much much faster and farther than those who just had cocaine. They concluded that the caffeine infused cocaine was much more addictive and stimulating than regular cocaine. Scientists hope to expand into human trials to fully understand the effects of the this new super-drug.


Kennady Wade – professional coffee drinker:

“As a professional coffee drinker, I look for the most energy possible out of what I drink. Adding Cocaine is the next frontier of coffee and I couldn’t be more excited.”


Robson Ali -cocaine expert:

“I’m telling you. This is the future of cocaine. It does my heart good to see so many young people adventuring outside of their comfort zones to gain … life experience.”


Max Shulklapper – local janitor and national economic adviser:

“What better way to solve this crisis of productivity than sharing the joy of cocaine? America is a great nation, and the only way we’ll be able to outcompete China is by taking radical steps in the right direction. And by radical steps, I mean drugs.”


*This blog is entirely satirical