OCD nightmare: part 3

*This piece is entirely satirical

Ignorance is bliss, so if you want to maintain the same mindless euphoria dads in their 40s experience while watching the brain-numbing sport of baseball and talking about the good-ol’ days with the midlife-crisis-boys, I suggest you stop reading here and turn the page. However, if you’re the kind of contemplative, intelligent, Simpsons-watching person like myself who likes to challenge the establishment and stick it to the man Jack-Black-style, I encourage you to read on. This is not an easy story to read, nor was it an easy story to write, but for those of you who persevere through the horrors of what I’m about to tell you, you may come out a better person. 

If you’re really as perceptive as you claim by having read this far, you will have already noticed the problem in the pictures surrounding the story. If not, take a moment to do so now. While we wait for the inattentive stragglers who will one day wind up as our nation’s proud tollbooth attendants, I’ll pass the time by telling you how my day went: it was good.

If you still haven’t noticed it, you may want to give it up, as well as give up your hopes and dreams because you’re not gonna make it out there buddy. Sorry. The problem is that there are six TV’s and five different brands, and they’re all in the science hallway. Don’t feel left out if you didn’t pick up on this difference yourself, plenty of students, including senior Sam Wolf, have lasted as long as four years walking around this building without realizing this tragedy.

“Why would you ever tell me this?” Wolf said. “Now I’m going to notice that every time I walk through the science building you jerk.”

Hurtful words aside, it is clear that to any rational person like JJ, once this situation is observed it cannot be forgotten. It becomes as painfully obvious as Mr. Melsha’s pit stains while he’s conducting three feet from your face, and everybody knows that you can’t learn under circumstances like that. But amazingly, to some, like Mandy Melton, biology teacher and possible hypnotist victim, this scandal is not only tolerable, but understandable.

“It was actually a very resourceful solution,” Melton said in a droning, monotonous voice. “We took them one-by-one from some of the older buildings in the district who had gotten rid of them, and over time we had a whole set. But I guess I can see how it could be annoying.”

It’s… it’s just… it’s like something really important. Like breakfast burritos or something”

— Jack Stendeback

By that logic, I guess people who crack open a bag of stale, extra crunchy, deaf-defying Doritos and eat them with their mouths open during an in-class essay are only slightly annoying. Only slightly. Despite this seemingly practical explanation as to how the TVs came to be, many students like senior Jack Stendeback still see the urgency of this problem. As a student with multiple classes in the the science building, Stendeback is forced to walk past these monuments of mayhem every day and is fed up with the lack of understanding surrounding them.

“It’s so much more than just a brand,” Stendeback said. “It’s… it’s just… it’s like something really important. Like breakfast burritos or something.”

And much like how our world would fall apart without breakfast burritos, so too will it fall apart if something is not done about these TV’s.

Now that you know the situation at hand, I challange you not to look up at the tv’s next time you walk through the science building. Maybe you don’t believe me that something so glaring could have slipped your observant glances as you walked down the hallways, or maybe you think I’m just blowing this way out of proportion, but trust me; it has ruined the lives of many before you, and it can ruin your life too.

“Not gonna lie, it’s been really hard,” Stendeback said, eyes red and sagging. “Once I noticed it, it started haunting me in my dreams and I can’t sleep at night. I haven’t eaten in days and it’s tearing my family apart. Something has to be done.”