The Kirkwood Call

The Wood conspiracy corner

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The Wood conspiracy corner

Jack Bugee, opinions writer

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*This piece is entirely satirical

I encourage the casual reader who isn’t prepared for their world to implode to stop reading now. For those ready, those who defy the ways of the new world order, follow me down the rabbit hole.

Some believe in conspiracy theories, and some don’t. Then again some people have common sense and some don’t. These so-called “theories” range from the studio production of the moon landing to the secret bunkers beneath the Denver Airport. Those who don’t see the obvious truth are not lost because even common folk can train their minds to believe such hard-hitting facts. Anyone has the potential to wake up and witness the governmental conspiracies. But it isn’t just the higher class who are affected by new world order trickery; quaint KHS is a known hotspot for government schemes and even penetration by the cosmos.  

I’m here to deliver the truth, so get out your foil hats and lizard detectors. From conspiring reptilians drilling into our flat earth to the advanced civilization of rat people behind the tunnel access doors, KHS has it all.

The next time you walk down the halls of KHS, look around and observe the subtle yet  obvious signs of underground conspiracy. For example, there is an obvious incline when walking from the social studies hall to the science building. It’s obviously because the Earth is round right? That’s exactly what the school wants you to think. With accurate calculations and measurements, I’ve discovered a change in the building and not the actual Earth. The new world order is attempting to manipulate the students to blindly follow the idea that the earth is round. Which claim is more outrageous? The one saying we somehow live on a ball and don’t fall off, or the a logical fact providing specific calculations from experts like me? That’s what I thought.  

 The conspiracy only goes deeper. The KSD teachers and administrators who oversee students are in fact intergalactic lizards. Anyone would have the right to be skeptical of such a wild claim, but the subtle evidence is quite startling. I decided to do some underground research that almost put my life on the line.

When asked which teacher is most likely an interstellar reptilian, a KHS student replied, “Probably Frau Bowman. She gives off that type of vibe.” The student wisely wished to remain anonymous in order to remain safe during the post-graduation lizard purge.

“I’m not even sure if South Africa is a real place. It could just be a code name for Mars,” anonymous said on the topic of Bowman’s mother country. With the discovery of a scaly imposter in the language department, the case had to be cracked.

When asked about her status as a questionable human Bowman replied with, “I am a mystery, and students want to crack this nut, but they never will.” An obvious reply set as a protocol when asked such truthful questions. Concerning the existence of South Africa, she responded after rousing laughter,

“I will not confirm or deny anything including whether South Africa is a real place or not.” Suspicious if you ask me. Bowman’s status is questionable, but be aware: a spacecraft can normally carry more than one passenger.  

There are many cases of such deception in the world and KHS is a small example. With a skeptical mind and a curious attitude, anyone can end up on a government watchlist by asking the wrong questions. From the mouth of a lizard person herself, “If you try hard enough then maybe you will uncover one layer of this onion.” Peel the onion, uncover the truth. Good luck.

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