The Kirkwood Call

Lefties are always right

Hannah Cohen, editor-in-chief

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*This piece is entirely satirical

There’s truly nothing better than being left-handed. If you’ve never had the ever-thrilling experience of complete left-side dominance then you have no room to make assumptions. I could not begin to tell you how amazing we are treated in the school environment.

KHS benefits us with having classrooms filled with all right-handed desks. A dream come true. There’s nothing like angling your arm and papers at a 100 degree angle just to jot down your name and date on the top right-hand side of the paper. There’s also the joy that comes from constantly rearranging your arm trying to find a comfortable spot to write each paragraph during in-class essays. It keeps me distracted from the prompts and focused on my writing style, which apparently is a KHS value. Did I mention the surplus of lead or ink smeared onto my hand after writing? Another great plus that makes me reflect on the bundles of joy I had while writing those essays days after. It truly inspires me to use more vocab.  

Writing left to right was honestly the best invention ever. Screw Hebrew school for putting me through eight years of non-smudged right to left hand writing and backwards books. It’s really silly how some don’t think of these simplicities.

According to the Latin Dictionary, the English word “left” translates to the infinitive “sinister.” Coincidence? I think so. It seems like Latin speakers were just jealous that they can write adequately in a spiral notebook.

I bet you righties reading this are envious of our growth from using regular binders, notebooks and scissors, too. Your binders don’t challenge you to fit your arm between the clips when writing in a hole-punched paper; they’re practically pointless. If it’s not a challenge or learning experience, there’s no point. The scratches and marks on my arm are battle wounds from my victory over the Avery Binder Company. Smart marketing on their part.

Now onto the scissors. As a perfectionist, overcoming the stereotype as an over-standardized human mauling out the tiniest of mishaps is important to me. Perfectionists can be lefties: even if they’re using right-handed scissors. The blades on those of the right majority have the right blade on top, and those specially made for lefties has the left. Obviously. But I have taken it into my own account and decided that a true lefty never complains and loves their gift. I persevere using righty scissors, making jagged, uneven marks across wherever I cut. I defy that perfectionist stereotype by taking my left-handed dignity and appreciating the exhilaration I get attempting to slice a straight line using two blades that challenge me both physically and mentally. Truly another phenomenal experience at school where I have no access to those made for my kind.

Despite what others may think, being left-handed is the best due to all of the daily challenges my people face. I thoroughly enjoy pushing myself to the limits for the better. I not only enjoy it, but unlike righties, I actually get something out of so-called regular routines. Everything I do as a lefty, I gain a beneficial experience. I feel the most far from a minority as possible. Righties don’t get to learn from challenges like us since everything is just given to them (they are extremely lazy, too). Honestly, I would not wish for any other experience than being left-handed.

 

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