Jack Bugée, opinions writer

*This piece is entirely satirical

You’ve had a rough day. Times like these show you how rude people can truly be face-to-face. At moments when your faith in humanity is at an all time low, you hop on the internet for some healthy and constructive conversation. The World Wide Web has so many intelligent users ready to pounce on you for any reason possible as they try to make the world a better place.  

Angrily talking with faceless entities online is really the best way to vent emotions and overall feel better about oneself. When it comes to online debate, the more pointless the better. Whether it’s being screamed at in all caps because I poured the cereal in first or getting roasted over my pronunciation of GIF, I always step away from my keyboard with warmth in my heart. As much as I enjoy defending myself, I also love starting such engaging conversations. Nothing satisfies me more than knowing I crushed the dreams of a young child by telling him Santa isn’t real and that he was probably adopted.  

It always helps to visualize your opponent when locked in a cyber rage battle. He’s probably a 12-year-old boy who doesn’t understand social norms. He’s always on edge, drinks red bull and smells of week old ramen noodles and body odor. There’s nothing like settling into a riveting dispute with a supreme intellectual lurking in the depths of a Minecraft tutorial.

To seek out such enriching conversations, I set out into the network wilderness to see what I could find. I had to tread lightly as to not get caught up in any of the fierce tribal warfare that often occurs between these strange online travelers. Mentally prepared, I ventured into the foreign ecosystem.      

My first target was the YouTube trending page which exclusively showcases either movie trailers or absurd craft videos. Within seconds I was enraged to see a life hack video so I decided to exercise my First Amendment right in the comments section. I left a tame and reasonable comment reading:

“Life hacks don’t work. >:( Waste of time!”

Just as I had predicted, my clever quote was well received among the rational community with responses such as, “Wow ur fat not cool life hack is the best!!” and “your dumb”. It was such an interesting experience to see great minds come together to win a debate with well crafted words and a worthy cause.

For further research, I hopped on a livestream of the International Space Station. Clearly the men and women who made the space station could learn a thing or two from the flat Earthers in the chat in which one stated:

“For the eye the earth looks round but technically it is a cube. But it spins so hard it looks to be rounded. So yeah the earth is flat.”

Needless to say, I had to leave the stream as I was unworthy to be in the presence of such a beautiful mind of that extent. The way he crafted his scientific thesis put him on the ranks of many great scientific minds such as Stephen Hawking and the inventor of Moon Shoes.

Although I had gotten such astounding results in YouTube, I wanted to dive into something more controversial so I could witness a divine battle of the brains. We are more divided now than we have been in awhile due to the fierce debate over which smartphone is superior: Apple or Android. I didn’t want to disturb the headspace of any geniuses so I decided to only observe. My Twitter findings were fascinating.

In one case I witnessed two highly educated individuals pitted in a battle of pure wit and knowledge. The first fellow started with a strong,

“Anyone who think apple is good not thinking right,” to which their contender replied,

“Steve Jobs did not deid so Samsung could take over. Apple Da BOMB u stupid.”

Tears were nearly brought to my eyes as I had never seen such thoughtfully constructed words. Obviously this person is the Shakespeare of our generation.

My general consensus was no surprise. Someone on the internet who is truly looking to change the way others think won’t think at all. Having the most nonsense viewpoints and even a worse way to express them is always the finest way to go.