Drugs, child labor and soap

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Drugs, child labor and soap

Will Drury, Parsnip editor

*This story is entirely satirical. I decided to take random words from a generator and turn them into a story. These were the words and this is their story:

Premise: soap scene

Identity: marriage beard

How: belt express

Conflict: snake acid

Resolution: child training

**This story is based on true events

Loving mother, activist and artisan soap maker, Ivana Mamoney, was brutally assaulted and arrested by local police April 20, 2018. After years of dealing drugs to loving mothers, Mamoney was finally caught on charges of child abuse and sentenced to four years in prison. Her story is one of tragedy and pain, but above all, hope.

“It looks bleak now, but my story isn’t over yet,” Mamoney said, a bloody shank of unknown material protruding from her back. “It’s never too late to chase your dreams. As soon as I get out of here, I’m getting straight back on the soap scene.”

Mamoney’s tale began ten years ago when her husband developed terminal hypochondria. Hundreds of doctors visits and thousands of dollars later, she was out of money and no closer to a cure. In desperation and inspired by the documentary “Breaking Bad,” she turned to drugs to pay for her husband’s medical bills. But instead of harmful meth, she started selling innocent synthetic cathinones, AKA, bath salts.

“I always had a passion for soaps, and it seemed like a cute idea to turn bath salts into bath soaps,” Mamoney said. “People are always looking for a trendy way to get their fix. I saw my opportunity and took it.”

Not wanting her book club to discover her side business, Mamoney began cross-dressing while out in public to shroud her identity. She bought a traditional marriage beard from Party City, a trench coat and most notably a batman utility belt where she keeps her soaps.

“When you saw her walking down the streets late at night, you’d think she’s just another normal cross-dressing new yorker,” Dru Guser, one of Mamoney’s buyers said. “But then you see her whip out her flashing utility belt and you know she means business. She liked to call it the belt express because the deal happens in an instant and she’s gone.”

But the life of a drug dealer isn’t all cupcakes and batman belts. Once rival dealers caught lemon-scented wind of her new business, they began cutting her bath salts with virtually undetectable snake poison in order to sabotage her operation. Her response was as strong and sudden as the heart failures of her poisoned clients.

“I couldn’t let them get away with such despicable acts, so I decided to get my kids involved,” Mamoney said. “I figured that nobody would suspect a group of bloodthirsty toddlers, so I recruited my children and trained them on some guerrilla warfare techniques. All the years playing hide and go seek and freeze tag on the hostile playground helped them to learn very quickly.”

Unfortunately, once police received calls reporting a woman in drag using toddlers as human shields and wielding fully automatic assault rifles, her retaliation was cut short. She was quickly arrested with charges of child abuse and put in prison to think about what she had done.

“I hope mommy will be out soon,” Giv’me Mamoney, Ivanna’s son, said. “Every time I hear a gunshot or watch batman pass a drug addict knocked out cold on the street I can’t stop thinking about her.”


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