Student newspaper of Kirkwood High School.

The Kirkwood Call

Lefties are always right

Lefties are always right

Hannah Cohen, editor-in-chief

November 28, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical There’s truly nothing better than being left-handed. If you’ve never had the ever-thrilling experience of complete left-side dominance then you have no room to make assumptions. I could not begin to tell you how amazing we are treated in the school environment. ...

Why swimming isn’t a sport

Why swimming isn’t a sport

Allie Hickenbotham, copy editor

November 17, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

 *This piece is entirely satirical If I have to hear about how the Walker family donated a pool to KHS one more time, I swear I’m transferring to Webster. I don’t understand why the swim team needed a new pool anyway. Swimming isn’t even a sport. “Anyone can swim,” Bridget Heartlein, sen...

The name game

The name game

Izzy Colón, copy editor

November 16, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical Brian is at the golf course. As he gets an afternoon to golf with the guys, a constant rush of names flows through his head; his wife is expecting a baby in a few months. The naming process is in full effect and in mid-swing of his golf club, it dawns on him. He wants...

The Wood conspiracy corner

The Wood conspiracy corner

Jack Bugee, opinions writer

November 8, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical I encourage the casual reader who isn’t prepared for their world to implode to stop reading now. For those ready, those who defy the ways of the new world order, follow me down the rabbit hole. Some believe in conspiracy theories, and some don’t. Then agai...

OCD nightmare: part 3

OCD nightmare: part 3

Will Drury, parsnip editor

November 7, 2017


Filed under Blogs, Entertainment, The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical Ignorance is bliss, so if you want to maintain the same mindless euphoria dads in their 40s experience while watching the brain-numbing sport of baseball and talking about the good-ol’ days with the midlife-crisis-boys, I suggest you stop reading here and turn the...

6 doomsday must-haves

6 doomsday must-haves

Jack Bugee, opinions writer

October 25, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical The holiday season may seem distant, but it’s never too early to start preparing. Just like the rapidly oncoming holiday spirit, the destruction of planet earth as we know it may be just around the corner as well. With the self-destructive nature of the hum...

Momblogz: The true spooks of Halloween

Momblogz: The true spooks of Halloween

Jack Bugee, opinions writer

October 21, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical As a proud mother of five who has access to the handy internet, I see myself in a position of great power this Halloween season. But as they say, with great power comes great responsibility. I have the responsibility to warn all other moms about those nasty creeps w...

Wing Crosby’s eulogy

Wing Crosby’s eulogy

Ally Ortmann, features writer

October 13, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical, well besides the tragic death of Wing Crosby It seems we know the feeling of grief all too well at KHS. Yet again we have lost one of our own in the wake of the tragic and mysterious passing of our fellow classmate, Wing Crosby. Crosby was presumed dead after being ...

I’ve pad it

I’ve pad it

Fitz Cain, features writer

October 3, 2017


Filed under The Parsnip, Top Stories

Dear KHS Administration,   It has come to my attention that there has been discussion of removing the most valuable and useful tool we have here at KHS: our iPad Minis. I am not only offended but downright disgusted that you would sabotage my learning experience like this. Shame on you. ...

Cereal first!

Cereal first!

Brendan Davidson, sports writer

October 3, 2017


Filed under Entertainment, The Parsnip

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Student newspaper of Kirkwood High School.
The Parsnip