The Kirkwood Call

Jump on the bandwagon

Jump on the bandwagon

Tom Mueller, features writer

December 6, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

Jean ‘Sister Jean’ Dolores Schmidt, the 99-year-old un-official mascot for the University of Loyola-Chicago Ramblers men’s basketball team, became the idol of every bandwagon fan in March. She is the person they strive to be; somebody who becomes relevant without actually knowing much about spo...

How to: get into your dream school

How to: get into your dream school

Claire Boysen, print managing editor

November 30, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

**this piece is entirely satirical Being a senior in high school, there is one question that I get almost anytime I am with family or friends: “Where are you going to college?” Where am I going to college? Well, anywhere I want. And you can go anywhere you want too, as long as you follow this simp...

Five steps to the best political discussion this Thanksgiving

Five steps to the best political discussion this Thanksgiving

Izzy Colón, technical web editor

November 21, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip, Top Stories

*this piece is entirely satirical Everyone knows Thanksgiving is about good food, spending time with family and kicking off the holiday season. But, like every true American celebration, it wouldn’t be complete without a polarizing political discussion that leaves everyone feeling a little less thankf...

Why high school sucks

Why high school sucks

Brendan Davidson, parsnip editor

October 26, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

They’re the most miserable years of your life: full of drama, annoying people and too much work that manages to teach you completely useless knowledge before you quickly forget it after the test. That’s right, I’m talking about high school. There are lots of reasons why it sucks. Let me discuss just...

Five ways to master your sadness

Five ways to master your sadness

Carter Philipp, opinions writer

October 12, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

Happiness is entirely overrated. It is for people that don't have any of the stressful responsibilities that you have. So forget happiness. It will be way too hard to achieve. Instead, let’s focus on five ways you can actively maximize your misery. 1)Just don’t move, like at all. Stay inside as much as poss...

The future of Golden State

The future of Golden State

Daniel Kim, sports editor

September 4, 2018


Filed under Sports, The Parsnip

After the Golden State Warriors won the 2018 NBA Finals, DeMarcus Cousins, the four-time All-Star who is one of the best centers in the league, announced this summer that he will join the Warriors. Signing a one-year, five-million-dollar contract, Cousins will be taking a $11 million pay cut to join...

Sleep: a waste of time

Sleep: a waste of time

Brendan Davidson, sports writer

May 15, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

As the school year draws to close, students are more stressed than ever with finals, AP tests and homework. We have minimal time to relearn much of the year’s content for each class. Loads of work exhaust students and ensure we suffer late into the night. Getting a healthy amount of sleep is more difficu...

Bit Bubble: My Dreams of Becoming a Crypto King

Bit Bubble: My Dreams of Becoming a Crypto King

Jack Bugee, parsnip editor

May 14, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

On the brink of riches, or so I thought. From the first investment, I knew I would be on top of the world. Throwing money at the internet with an unclear way of how to take it out was a business venture I had to get behind. Being a savvy investor, I saw the overwhelming success of Bitcoin but chose to...

Drugs, child labor and soap

Drugs, child labor and soap

Will Drury, Parsnip editor

May 8, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

*This story is entirely satirical. I decided to take random words from a generator and turn them into a story. These were the words and this is their story: Premise: soap scene Identity: marriage beard How: belt express Conflict: snake acid Resolution: child training **This story is b...

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