The Kirkwood Call

Presidential candidate blurbs

Presidential candidate blurbs

Will Drury, opinions writer

February 29, 2016


Filed under Opinions, The Parsnip

*This blog is entirely satirical   With the 2016 presidential election just 260 days away, candidates are constantly being watched and ridiculed for their every move. Harsh political experts such as Stephen Colbert, Jimmy Fallon and Saturday Night Live are always looking to find the next r...

Jeb!! Bush reenters race, doubles exclamation points in slogan

Jeb!! Bush reenters race, doubles exclamation points in slogan

MIchael Teasdale, sports writer

February 25, 2016


Filed under The Parsnip, Top Stories

  Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican race Saturday night after a dismal 7.8 percent of the South Carolina primary vote, above only New Hampshire one-trick-pony John Kasich, and the first confirmed real-life zombie, Ben Carson. The former Florida governor has failed to garner the support o...

Let’s make standardized testing great again

Let’s make standardized testing great again

Max Shulklapper, copy editor

January 22, 2016


Filed under The Parsnip

It’s easy to think standardized tests like the ACT are just simple benchmarks used to measure students’ learning as they head towards higher education. The truth is, in fact, these examinations are much more. Just think about the benefits of standardized tests. For one, a student who spends their...

Trumping radicalism

Trumping radicalism

Robson Ali, opinions writer

December 9, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip

After the terrible tragedy that was San Bernardino, one man continues to engender goodwill and attempt to bring Americans together. Donald Trump. While some people may see his idea to ban all Muslim travel to the U.S. as “inflammatory” and “an undeniable showing of his inherent bigotry and stup...

Caffeine gives a new kick to your morning cocaine

Caffeine gives a new kick to your morning cocaine

Will Drury, opinions writer

November 30, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip

  Article adapted from ScienceNews.org   Countries in South America have been found adding caffeine to cocaine to give it an extra kick and save money. To study the effect this new drug has on the brain, scientists gave samples of both drugs to a group of rats and made them perform...

“Chewbacca” arrested in Ukraine after turning to the dark side

“Chewbacca” arrested in Ukraine after turning to the dark side

Will Drury, opinions writer

November 30, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip, Top Stories

Article adapted from The Huffington Post A man dressed in Chewbacca costume was handcuffed and taken away Oct. 25 after campaigning for Darth Vader at an election poll in Ukraine. After appearing in court, he was fined $7.50 to which he replied, “his funds are an intergalactic bank that has no bran...

Proposition A-Okay

Proposition A-Okay

Will Drury, opinions writer

November 17, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip

*This blog is entirely satirical and not intended to offend our audience. Over the next few weeks, KHS will undergo major changes to their budget spending. After Proposition A didn’t pass on Nov. 3, which would have raised the tax levy in order to maintain the current funding needed to support KSD, t...

The Mexicans of the East

The Mexicans of the East

Matt Small, web staff

October 30, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip, Top Stories

*This blog is entirely satirical and not intended to offend our audience. KIRKWOOD, Mo. - Every night, I toss and turn in my bed realizing my worst fears are coming true; America is under attack. Everywhere I look, the borders are collapsing as millions upon millions of immigrants steal our American j...

Why Trump’s hair is, in fact, the cat’s meow.

Why Trump’s hair is, in fact, the cat’s meow.

Robson Ali, opinions writer

October 8, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip

TRUMP’S SCALP- Many people seem to enjoy making fun of Mr. Trump’s hair, yet no one even attempts to appreciate how much time and effort it must have taken to train a cat to lie perfectly still on top of his head for hours at a time. Personally, I have two cats and they completely ignore me a majo...

Some people just want to see the world Bern

Some people just want to see the world Bern

Robson Ali, opinions writer

October 5, 2015


Filed under The Parsnip

KIRKWOOD, MO- You want to know what I love? America. And it kills me to see this great country in danger of becoming a godless Bolshevik playground. With his ludicrous ideas such as “universal health care” and “pay equality for women,” Bernie Sanders is practically turning us into communist S...

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