KHS water fountain review guide

April 5, 2017

*This piece is entirely satirical.

Well, it’s finally here. You’ve begged, pleaded and cried for it. You’ve eaten nothing but parsnips the past year. It’s the reason for your wet dreams. It’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The Parsnip of the century. The story of the century. The event of the century.

The KHS water fountain review guide.

Alright, calm down. As outstanding as they are, they are just water fountains. That said, you may need some privacy. So sit back, find a quiet space and get ready for the most memorable water fountains at KHS.

 

Key for bonus points:

  • Five points if it has a water bottle filler
  • One point per extra fountain
  • Five points if it gets 10+ in any category

 

Chase Kilby

Science building

Temperature: 7

Quality of water:  10

Stream thickness: 10

Water pressure: 8

Fountain height: 9

Location: 10

Cleanliness: 10

Bonus points: 5

Overall: 59/70

We started with the most generic water fountains in the school. These fountains are the equivalent of McDonald’s; they’re not your favorite, but they’re everywhere, so you kinda have to go there. They aren’t particularly cold and their water pressure isn’t anything to get too excited about, but their thickness is above average and their multiple locations make them very convenient.

 

Chase Kilby

Athletic building – weight room

Temperature: 10

Quality of water: 10

Stream thickness: 7

Water pressure: 9

Fountain height: 8

Location: 10+

Cleanliness: 10

Bonus points: 10

Overall: 64/70

Anywhere in the athletic building is prime reality for water fountains. This fountain is the equivalent of a celebrity mansion. It has the perfect location and it is a perfect, modern architecture. You can do almost anything: fill up your water bottle, get a drink… I guess there’s actually only two things you can do but it does those two things really well. It is the standard by which all water fountains are measured. Baby water fountains grow up with this bad boy on their wall, dreaming of one day becoming like it. Truly, it is a God.

 

Chase Kilby

Athletic building – David Holley Gym

Temperature: 7

Quality of water: 8

Stream thickness: 8

Water pressure: 5

Fountain height: 8

Location: 10

Cleanliness: 9

Bonus points: 3

Overall: 47/70

After the magnificence of the water fountain by the weight room, these fountains are as disappointing as a red-headed step child. They are a disgrace to their location. Its like buying a beach house on Venice beach and then living in a Johnny on the Spot. After a long workout in the gym, all anyone wants to do is guzzle down cool water, but instead, their met with these jokers. If you somehow manage to squirt enough water out of its nozzle to slurp it up without sticking your face directly on the hole, you realize it’s moderate temperature and average thickness isn’t even worth the effort of having to make out with this high school loser.

 

Chase Kilby

Men’s locker room

Temperature: 4

Quality of water: 3

Stream thickness: 5

Water pressure: 2

Fountain height: 6

Location: 8

Cleanliness: 2

Bonus points: 1 (because it looks like a bathtub)

Overall: 31/70

This dumb mother-fudger is the most disgusting, annoying and pointless piece of garbage I’ve seen in my entire life. Pardon my language, I didn’t mean to let that to slip out (although I am typing so it was actually completely intentional). This so-called water fountain looks like a toilet and the few times it actually manages to squeeze any water out of its water-fountain-you-know-what-hole, it tastes like melted pennies. If water fountains could understand English, I would tell this one to go almost die in a hole. Death is to final and this tub.

 

Chase Kilby

Concession stands

Temperature: 0

Quality of water: 0

Stream thickness: 0

Water pressure: 0

Fountain height: 7

Location: 10

Cleanliness: 6

Bonus points: -23 (it’s doesn’t even produce water, so…)

Overall: 0/70

I don’t think this monstrosity can even be called a water fountain anymore. For starters, it doesn’t have a handle, and even when it did have one, it never worked. If anyone has ever done a workout on the track and forgot their water bottle, then they know the seething rage they feel whenever they’re met with this poser.

 

Chase Kilby

Band hall

Temperature: 8

Quality of water: 10

Stream thickness: 7

Water pressure: 9

Fountain height: 9

Location: 8

Cleanliness: 10

Bonus points: 5

Overall: 52/70

This water fountain is the equivalent of a gold-painted cracker (so Golden Grahams, I guess). It looks fancy and probably costs fancy too, but when you actually drink from it, you realize it’s just another water fountain. The only thing that makes this H2O launcher special is its water bottle filler. (Side note: does anybody else wonder why there’s a little hole in the button of fountains like this? I guess that’s a question for another Parsnip OCD story).

 

Chase Kilby

Math Hallway

Temperature: 8

Quality of water: 7

Stream thickness: 5

Water pressure: 3

Fountain height: 6

Location: 8

Cleanliness: 4

Bonus points: 0

Overall: 41/70

These pieces of junk are as old as Santa Claus and look nearly as horrifying. I often find chunks of food (at least I hope it’s food) and other garbage in these fountains. The little guard on the top of the nozzle looks like someone’s tongue after eating a bunch of blue Airheads and probably has just as many germs. Even if you want to risk being infected for a quick drink, you’ll have trouble getting any water out because the pressure is as nonexistent as your love life.

 

Chase Kilby

English hall

Temperature: 8

Quality of water: 8

Stream thickness: 7

Water pressure: 8

Fountain height: 9

Location: 9

Cleanliness: 9

Bonus points: 1

Overall:  49/70

Meh. That pretty much sums this fountain up. And I’m too lazy to write a descriptio for this mediocre fountain. Just Meh.

 

Chase Kilby

The Commons

Temperature: 7

Quality of water: 8

Stream thickness: 7

Water pressure: 5

Fountain height: 6

Location: 10

Cleanliness: 7

Bonus points: 0

Overall: 50/70

This ancient history artifact is in the ideal location for maximum use, but it fails to live up to its expectations. I would rather walk all the way down the hallway to the far superior fountain by the drama room than take a drink here. I often find myself needing a drink after eating lunch in the Commons and I am always disappointed because each time I use this fountain because it takes 10 minutes before I get more than a milliliter of water. And it’s so low, it’s amazing that it hasn’t snapped the backs of any old folks’ who come to Keating theater for the great-great-grand children’s recital.

 

Chase Kilby

Language Hallway

Temperature: 10

Quality of water: 8

Stream thickness: 7

Water pressure: 10+

Fountain height: 6

Location: 4

Cleanliness: 7

Bonus points: 5

Overall: 57/70

This unsung hero has more pressure in it than all of the in-class essays in the world. The water gets so much height that you can fill up a water bottle without having to do that awkward tip to the side. It has the perfect temperature between freezing your teeth to the root and that slimy luke-warm temperature some fountains have. Unfortunately, this hidden gem is tucked away in the very corner of the school and guarded by the Germans, and nobody wants to mess with them.

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