The deadliest hermit

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The deadliest hermit

As the “Doors” say, people are strange. One minute they’re living peacefully in a log cabin in the middle of the Alaskan tundra, the next they’re sitting in prison for murdering an entire orphanage with a shard of broken glass. Nobody expected this from Tod Brigham, but then again, people are strange. Now he is the deadliest hermit.

During an interview on “Fox and Friends”, Brigham explained that after years cooped up all alone in his 666 square inch apartment, he developed cabin fever. He lived alone in absolute solitude, never having seen a woman in his entire life. In defense of his crimes, he said that he didn’t want those orphans (who had no chance of happiness anyway) to experience the same loneliness he felt. Brigham concluded the interview by telling everyone on set to die in a roadside ditch, claiming they were lonely because nobody watched their show.

“I don’t know why this dude isn’t in some kind of asylum. There isn’t really anything stopping him from doing it again,” Quentin Stepp, sophomore, said. “Criminals like this need to be detained, either in a mental health care place or in prison. There’s no reason this man should be walking free.”

Do you know what’s black, white and red all over? A penguin with a stab wound.”

— Tod Brigham

Rather than be admitted into an asylum, Brigham has been moved to a replica of his cabin located in Antarctica. He said living on a giant iceberg hunting penguins will be a welcome change from his busy life chopping wood and beaver-wrestling in Alaska.

“Do you know what’s black, white and red all over?” Brigham said. “A penguin with a stab wound.”

In the meantime, Brigham has taken a temporary job at the local elementary school, The Alaskan School for Vulnerable Children, so he can work on his relationships with kids. He said they keep him company and he enjoys spending time playing games like strip twister with them. The children have in turn welcomed him, helping him cope with his crippling lonesomeness.

“He scares me,” Little Jackie, second grader, said in an interview with officials. “He stares at me, and sometimes during nap time, he puts lotion on my skin. Please help.”

Brigham has used this eye-opening experience as a lesson he hopes to impart onto other hermits like himself.

“If you’re going to murder children, don’t use glass,” Brigham said. “Guns are much more effective.”


*This very special Parsnip was inspired by a random word generator which spat out the words, “deadliest”, “hermit”, “Antarctica” and “glass” along with a random number generator, limiting the word count to exactly 392. This story is entirely satirical.