High school for dummies

August 29, 2017

High school can be hard, especially for incoming freshmen fresh out of the chains of middle school. Still spinning from the traumatic experiences in junior high (mostly from Nipher), students are again thrown into a cesspool of teenage drama, confusing buildings and impossible freshman classes with nobody to help them. That’s why this article is dedicated to you, the incoming freshmen. Forget whatever your middle school teachers, high school counselors, Link Crew leaders, parents, siblings and friends have said, high school is worse than H-E-double-hockey-sticks and the only way you’re going to survive is with the help of these five tips. You’re welcome.

1. High school is exactly like every teen drama you’ve ever seen

As always, teen comedies like “High School Musical,” “Mean Girls” and “Breakfast Club” are 100 percent accurate. All blondes are dumb, all football players are total jocks and people burst out into musicals whenever the mood strikes them. Your future is predetermined based on who you are. So if you’re an unathletic smart kid, you might as well give up on having cool friends now, and if you’re a quarterback, you might as well give up on ever getting an A. KHS is exactly the same, so study your film.   

2. Isolate yourself

Perhaps the only thing the above movies got wrong is their emphasis on friendship. Friends will only hinder your climb to the top and will always betray you. Just wait until you read “Julius Caesar” and then you’ll understand what I mean. Teachers will try to rope you into the illusion of being a Pioneer but don’t be fooled. Take it from us, a satire newspaper who you know nothing about and who knows nothing about you: it’s better to be alone. That means no friends, no after school activities, no talking in class: no nothing. Keep your head down walking through the halls and maybe you’ll graduate unscathed.

On a scale of nine to ten, how much do you hate freshmen?

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3. Don’t be a freshman

There is nothing worse than being a freshman in the eyes of upperclassmen. Freshmen are notorious for being picked on and wedgied by upperclassmen simply for being a freshie. If you hope to avoid this, don’t ask questions, don’t associate with other freshmen and don’t have any 2021 class spirit. But remember, if your cover is blown and people figure out that you are in fact a good-for-nothing freshman, don’t deny it. Accept your wet willy and your location at the bottom of the school hierarchy.

4. Don’t be an idiot

It’s simple. Take a lesson from Michael Scott and don’t be an idiot. It will change your life.

5. Write your epitaph now

First off, if you don’t know what an epitaph is, you’re in deep trouble. Even if you follow all the previous advice, there’s a good chance you still won’t survive high school so start planning your last words now. A recent study by some organization showed that these days, the only way through this process will require pain and sacrifice, possibly resulting in PTSD and flashbacks. In the eventuality that you don’t make it, however, make sure you have your death wishes planned ahead of time. If you don’t survive, you can still write a killer eulogy that forever haunts your friends and family for the rest of their lives.

*This story is entirely satirical.

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