Top 5 Valentine’s Day gifts

art by Grace Carroll

Grace Carroll

art by Grace Carroll

Claire Boysen, print managing editor

*This piece is entirely satirical

How special can giving your significant other chocolates and roses be if everyone is doing it? Don’t you want to show your love in a meaningful way this Valentine’s Day? This commercial holiday is glorified as being the most romantic day of the year, which entails an over-the-top romantic gift. The expectations are far more than before, you want your partner to be terrified by how much you love them. So what should you get that special someone this year that accurately reflects your love for them? Here are five ideas that will help you pick the perfect Valentine’s Day gift.


1.The classic card

While roses and chocolates may be a little passé, a thoughtful card never fails to impress. The key is to express your feelings about the person in incredible detail. They know you love them, but exactly how much? Be sure to mention how you’ve slowly collected DNA samples, like hair, saliva and skin flakes, from them for cloning purposes because the world simply can’t have enough of them. Confess how that one time they were fired for sleeping through their alarm and missing work was because to you wanted to spend more time with them. So, you slipped subtle amount of horse tranquilizer into their water. Tell them about the Madame Tussaud-esque wax figure you have of them that you snuggle up with at night. These details are imperative to your confession of love and are sure to get your partner to swoon.


2. A child

You’ve probably seen the Facebook games that allow you to upload two pictures of people and generates what their child would look like. Well, why stop there? Legally adopt a child that you believe resembles you and your lover. This is one of the more difficult gifts to obtain, especially last minute. In fact, you don’t need to be in a relationship for this one, you can even bring the child to your crush. The newer the relationship, the better because it truly shows your complete devotion to them. Adopting a child that looks like the two of you isn’t only extremely heartwarming, but also romantic. Nothing screams love like being bound to someone you’ve dated for two weeks with a new child to raise together.


3. A heart

Heart-shaped items are lame. Stop being weak and just send your lover a real human heart via mail, Van Gogh style. Just go to the dark web for more details.


4. A double-ish date

Now, this idea really only works if you have exes. This date entails renting out your significant other’s favorite restaurant, and inviting everyone you have had a fling or relationship with to said restaurant. When your partner walks in, you will be sure to see the complete joy and excitement on their face because they obviously love your past lovers like you once did. Bonus points if the restaurant can manage to seat you all together and if you flirt with everyone except for your current partner. However, do not invite any of their exes because that would be weird and you would probably get jealous. But your exes are cool, and you’ve managed to remain friends with all of them, so it’s O.K.


5. Plastic surgery

For you, not them. Get your face as closely altered to be like theirs as possible. This will require you not seeing them for awhile while your face heals for the big reveal on Feb. 14. Be sure to not miss any details. Skip out on the fake colored contacts and get your irises surgically altered. Count every single eyelash, facial hair and hair on their head to be sure that you are an exact replica. After all, imitation is the highest form of flattery.


Now that you have some ideas about what to get your special someone for Valentine’s Day, think about what they would enjoy the most and go for it. Unsure? Try all five. Doing something completely different is O.K. too as long as it shows your deep love and appreciation like these gifts do. Valentine’s Day is really all about spending time with your partner and being appreciative of them, no matter the gift.