*This piece is entirely satirical.
“We need to talk.”
Four of the most terrifying words a high schooler can hear. Why? It stems from fear. Fear of confrontation and fear of the unknown. But even worse—fear of one godforsaken alternative: the friend zone.
There, there, my fellow peers, I understand. I really do. I mean, what could be scarier to a 16 year old than receiving a text that leaves their relationship in shambles? Or the mere idea of suddenly being ghosted on Snapchat? Or even being referred to as ‘just one of the guys?’ Well, let me tell ya, I’ve got a bone to pick. Members of my generation have it all wrong: the concept of a platonic friendship after the rejection and heartache one is forced to endure is a wonderful state to be in, despite rumors you may have heard.
First, I’d like to acknowledge a few things. Anyone who chooses to dismiss this euphoria has obviously never been able to experience this next level of friendship. Throw it back to your middle school self, when relationships were all the rage. You’re at the mall with whom you thought at the time was the boy of your dreams, only to have his mom pick you two up in her minivan to be introduced as “a friend from school.” Of course, hearing those words come out of your seventh grade sweetheart’s mouth put your world through the roof. How could you not have been astonished to finally be part of such an amazing friendship? Fast forward to high school where the person who has been flirting with you for the past month thanks you for all of your patience and willingness to listen to him gush about his crush: your best friend. A sunken heart? Heavens no. A friend would never catch those feelings, despite being zoned so far south.
With regard to the next level of friendship, a friendzoned reality of living is the relationship people truly seek nowadays. During the time in which you are dropped by your ex-wannabe significant other, the relationship you guys rebuild flourishes, pushing you both closer than ever. You see, the ultimate purpose of a relationship is for individuals to share a connection. That includes standards such as being “relationship goals,” pampering your partner and catering to their every need. In hindsight, all you care about is the other person’s feelings toward you. Remember when he called you wifey but led you to the zone instead? You’ll become more connected via the time you spend attempting to measure up to their needs that you once fell short of. This includes buying them food, listening to their relationship problems and sitting still while looking pretty as they invite you to third wheel their picture-perfect relationship.
Of course you don’t want what they have.
Last, I’d just like to touch on the most important aspect of the matter: exiting the gray area. AKA, something that should be forbidden and off-limits at all times. Why on Earth would one ever wish to leave such a tremendous place? Imagine waking up one day and thinking, “I’d really like to be more than just friends with my friend.” That doesn’t happen. And if it does, you should think twice and re-evaluate your situation. What makes you think you’re so entitled that you could possibly want anything beyond being a pal? Your primary goal is to console the person who infatuates you—despite having absolutely no shot with them—and standing as deadweight for them to vent if need be. What a joy it is to have years worth of thoughts and emotions dismissed by one line of text.
Others may presume the friend zone as nothing more than a foreign realm of scaries. However, let me remind you that there’s an entire future out there that awaits your presence. Bottom line: there’s no point of a relationship that consumes your time, money and energy. Think about it, why should you act like a puppy and follow around the one person you know you have absolutely no chance with? Don’t waste your time with a temporary beau, spend it with a heartbreaking honey.