The race to Washington

Ryan Davidson, design editor

President William Henry Harrison was inarguably our first truly great chief executive. Who’s to say he wasn’t great? He held office for only 32 days, so he really had no time to mess things up. President James Buchanan nearly did the impossible in attempting to avoid an inevitable Civil War, and we will forever thank him for that. President Herbert Hoover led us into the greatest depression we’ve ever had. Dam.

But history is history. In case you missed it, 2016 is a presidential election year, and there sure are some marvelous candidates all across the board. Through insane propositions, ludicrous promises and unreasonable bickering, several candidates have made cases of presidential proportion for why they’re most fit to lead our country. Just like the rest of America, I know I’ll have a tough time milling through all the fantastic options this coming election season.

When Donald Trump announced his campaign for the 2016 election last June, he immediately gained my utmost adoration with his ingenious campaign slogan: “Make America great again!” The repeated use of this slogan has powered him to the top of the Republican party, because obviously none of the other candidates care for America to be very great. But while the Great Wall of Trump sounds practical at first, a great dome over the entire country seems much more effective. Maybe we should even deport everyone who doesn’t style their hair to look like the rodent Trump trained to sit on his scalp.

While Ted Cruz’s slogan, “TrusTed,” may mean either “Trust Ted” or “Ted was trusted but he screwed something up and obviously shouldn’t be trusted anymore,” I have undivided faith in him as the leader of our country. He plans to eliminate virtually every single government department that exists, so it’s almost a game trying to guess what he plans to do next. Just imagine how exciting it would be to wake up and find out the public school system doesn’t exist anymore. Snow day!

While anarchy does sound quite appealing (remember, we just have to trust Ted), I also think it could be interesting if the United States tried its hand at communism with Bernie Sanders as president. His government’s chokehold around the economy would make Lenin proud. There will be universal health care. The federal minimum wage will be at least $15 an hour by 2020. College will be free. But where’s all that money coming from?


And then there’s Hillary Clinton. As one of the most qualified presidential candidates we’ve ever seen, she most recently served as the United States Secretary of State from 2009 to 2013, after being the First Lady from 1993 to 2001 and a U.S. Senator from New York from 2001 to 2009. On the one hand, she knows what she’s doing overseas; foreign policy was her job as Secretary of State. On the other hand, look what’s happened overseas since 2009. There is really nowhere to go wrong. And, if Hillary were president, what would that make Bill? First man? First gentleman? First lady’s man? Let’s just see how creative we can get with new titles. But if Hillary is not your cup of tea, I heard Monica Lewinsky may run in 2020.

Whenever Marco Rubio speaks during the debates, his flawless grammar makes me ponder how he fared in grade school English class. If John Kasich would open his mouth, maybe we’d hear what he has to say. And, well, at least Ben Carson is a doctor.

Clearly, we all have some tough decisions to make this year. The views and policies of the candidates vary dramatically, but there really is no way to go wrong. God knows we don’t want another Roosevelt.