Fall Fails

Logan Crews, opinions writer

It’s 7:40 a.m and students shuffle through dewy grass and watch trees shed auburn leaves. A teacher takes a sip of her pumpkin spice latte, a girl pulls her infinity scarf into place and everyone meanders into school. Later, it’s 2:40 p.m. As soon as the doors open it feels like KHS is transported to the Sahara desert and everyone is wearing three layers too many. Welcome to fall in Kirkwood.


I love fall. It puts me in the mood to write poetry and dance around the house to John Mayer in fuzzy socks. What doesn’t make me “autumn crazy” is all the hype about strange fashion and even stranger activities advertised in every Bath and Body Works window the first day of August.


One of the most acclaimed pastimes of fall is jumping in leaves, yet I can’t imagine it’s enjoyable. It’s easy to throw out your back raking them into a pile in the first place, and when you don’t brace yourself for impact on cold, dry ground, you can definitely sprain something. They’re dead leaves, not a Tempur-Pedic mattress. Then for the next few days, your friends have to pick bits of leaves, twigs and other “wonders” of the Earth out of your hair at all of your fall-themed photo shoots at the pumpkin patch. How embarrassing.  


But before leaf piles comes the by-product of fall’s in-between weather. When Mother Nature can’t make up her mind, it inspires many people to combine fashion choices that should never be in the same closet: Ugg boots and shorts. Look, I understand weather is confusing and the inside of KHS feels like an icebox, but is that really the best compromise? I tried pairing the two once. I was only successful in mediating my body temperature from about mid-calf down and I’m not sure the boots’ rough fur was meant to touch anything but leggings. I would have been better off with sandals and pants.


Finally, the holy grail of fall, the entourage of the pumpkin spice flavor. Every year on Sept. 8, there is a mad rush to Starbucks as they release their famous pumpkin spice latte. If it were up to me, pumpkin anything would not exist, but it has infiltrated our lives. I can’t count how many times I’ve scrolled past pictures of pumpkin spice flavored coffees on Pinterest and shakes or walked by burning pumpkin spice candles. For awhile, I didn’t let it get to me. But now, Clorox has come out with new pumpkin spice scented bleach. Yes, bleach. That one threw me over the edge. I wouldn’t be surprised if people turn their colored clothes white with this stuff just for the sake of smelling like a jack-o’-lantern.


Let’s all just take a break from our extreme fall rituals and settle for watching a “Halloweentown” movie every night. Of course, to appreciate the season, I have learned to appreciate its flaws. Though I can’t help but hope winter comes a little early this year.