Kirkwood High School student newspaper

Erica Miget

Hillary Clinton

*This blog is entirely satirical

Hello everybody! What’s the haps’ tonight? Is everyone here doing okie dokie? Alrighty then! I would first like to thank TKC for the gracious opportunity to speak with you. It was a nice offer, it was a kind gesture, and I am very happy. I had a speech prepared on my electronic gizmo, but unfortunately, it somehow got deleted, so I guess I’m just going to wing it.

Before I begin, I’d like to address all those young whippersnappers out there who say I’m an old geezer who can’t have any fun. In fact, I am fun. I am humorous, I am playful and I once pranked my husband Bill by putting a Whoopee Cushion under his desk chair. When he sat down, he sounded like a chubby little boy who just ate five black bean burritos from Taco Bell. YOLO, am I right? The point is, I am fun and I have evidence to prove it. Aside from my heart, kidney, arthritis, bladder, bowel and osteoporosis medication, along with my hearing aid, cane and occasional need for a chair lift, all the medical help I need is a positive mental attitude. And maybe antidepressants.

You know, I ask myself all the time, Hillary Rodham Clinton, is it hard being such an inspirational political figure? Well that’s a great question me, thank you. And let me first say that it’s people like me that make this country good, and what makes this country great is that we are good. You are the type of hard working, and might I add sexy, American that keeps this country going. So thank you. But to answer that wonderful, thoughtful question, no, it’s not hard. I simply emanate power, respect and youth, and with that inspiration, we’re going to break the glass ceiling so hard that shards of glass are going to cut men like Trump right in their saggy money bags.

Despite all my political experience, I am not perfect. However, I am much better than the orange iguana running against me. I may be a two-faced liar, but I’m an honest two-faced liar. So I encourage everyone to get out there and vote, unless it’s for Trump, because that’s how democracy works. And if I don’t get elected this year, I’ll just run again in four more years and keep running until I win, because I will never die.

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