*This piece is entirely satirical
China. Mexico. ISIS. These three countries are beating us, and we’re losing. Crooked Hillary over here may try to tell you America’s all good, but it’s not. Believe me, it’s bad. It’s a yuuuge problem. And if we want to make it better, then we need to make America great again.
Now, I like Clinton, I do, but she’s an idiot. Well actually, I hate her. We’re close, but I hate her. I give her a two out of ten. It would be a three, but just look at her. No wonder Bill had so many affairs. Anyway, how could anybody trust her to run this nation which we need to make great again? She lies almost as much as I do. I’m not
sure she’s even an American. Unless she shows some identification, for all we know, she could be from Africa.
Some people like Clinton often say I’m not fit to be president. They say I flip-flop on the issues or I lie too often. To those who doubt me, I say this: wrong. They say: Donald Trump thinks global warming is a hoax created by the Chinese. Wrong. Donald Trump supported the Iraq war. Wrong. Donald Trump wants to ban all Muslim immigrants. Wrong. Donald Trump has fake hair. Wrong. Donald Trump is a nice guy. Wrong. They’re all just wild conspiracies perpetrated by the mass media to bring me down.
However, one false conspiracy is true: We need to ban all Muslims from entering this country. I’m not a racist, believe me. In fact, I am the least racist person you will ever meet. I have many Muslim friends. I have a tremendous number of friends, in general, since I’m such a great guy, and many of them are Muslims. But we need to keep these people out of this country or else we’re all going to die. Stupid people have tried to tell me a ban against an entire religion is a form of religious persecution, but I have yet to find a single law that guarantees religious freedom in this nation.
Before I leave on my private, solid-gold jet, I’d like to remind you of all the terrible things wrong with this country. Obamacare. Do-nothing Politicians. Taxes. Trade. Debt. I have a plan to make this country great again. I can’t tell you what exactly I’ll do, for very valid reasons, but there is a plan. If you want to make America great again, you better vote for me. And if you don’t, you’re just an yuge, stupid idiot who should reconsider your entire life.