Winter Survival Guide

*This story is entirely satirical.

Now that the excitement of the winter holidays is wearing off, the harshest months of the year have finally arrived. January: the month of sickness, stress and slipping on ice. The only thing making winter bearable are snow days, and those are falling fewer and farther between – thanks a lot, global warming. Here is the complete winter survival guide to get you to spring break:


Buy a sherpa jacket to stay warm and look cool. Art by Katherine Stobbe.

1. Dress in layers. If you want to be extra trendy and look like a walking teddy bear, pick up a sherpa jacket. They’re perfect for surviving your classes in the subarctic language building, but be prepared to take them off for math class where the AC is permanently set at 75 degrees.



Waste hours of your life on Netflix and Tiktok. Art by Katherine Stobbe.

2. Pick a binge activity. Netflix and Disney Plus are really delivering right now with “High School Musical: The Musical: The Series” and “You.” If you’re feeling extra adventurous, binge the entire series in one night and become obsessed with Joshua Bassett like the rest of us. If Netflix isn’t your thing, try TikTok where you’re sure to find some quality WWIII memes.

Post something from summer, because we know you don’t have Insta-worthy pics from winter. Art by Katherine Stobbe.



3. If you need a random confidence boost, post last summer’s best beach picture on Instagram. This is the perfect way to reminisce about those 80 degree days and that summer body you worked so hard for. Your post will fit right into everyone’s feeds of “warm Florida  > cold STL” pictures.

Snowy windshield? Who needs an ice scraper anyway? Art by Katherine Stobbe.



4. Practice driving in the snow. Put sophomore drivers on the ice and Essex basically becomes a slip n’ slide. So get out on the roads and prepare yourself for the next snow day. The perfect time to learn how to drive is when your brakes don’t work and can’t see through the windows.


The hardest decision will be which beach to go to. Art by Katherine Stobbe.

5. Plan an entire hypothetical beach vacation. We’ve all done this before. It doesn’t count unless you’ve picked out a beach-front condo, planned an outfit for each day of the week and invited all your friends to go with you. If only you could actually afford to go.


Why not just stop doing homework altogether? You’ve earned it. Art by Katherine Stobbe.

6. Procrastinate a little more. This one’s for the sophomores with that ten-page research paper due right before spring break. The source cards aren’t really that important. Also, you have enough unexcused absences left to skip first period again. Try to stay on top of your classwork, but when all else fails, pray for a snow day.