From the Vault: KHS should prepare for aliens

Original story by Lucas McCue appeared in The Call, April 19, 1990.

This piece is entirely satirical.

Because I decided to give up reading real literature for Lent, my only outlet for my urge to read are those grocery store check-out line tabloids. I picked up a recent issue and after skimming through an article on the cheating husband whose head exploded and the one on the girl that came back from the dead, I happened upon a story that struck me as rather odd. It seems that researchers have found evidence that the Pentagon forced President Richard Nixon to resign because he wanted to tell the public about government contact with aliens.

This led me to wonder, “Why didn’t I know the government was talking to aliens?” It seems that the government wants, and currently is trying to, prepare America for them. The article went on to explain that the feds will release documents about the aliens in 1994.

Obviously, the government is not doing a thorough job in preparing the public for the shock that aliens do exist. If there is no national campaign, at least there should be seminars or workshops on how to deal with aliens. KHS should do its part too.

KHS could organize Alien Preparedness Week or Extraterrestrial Awareness assemblies to recognize our comrades from the cosmos. It would help us to know what to do if we meet aliens. Furthermore, I would much rather learn something important, like how to keep an alien from vaporizing me, then attend a trivial earthquake or fire assembly.

Unfortunately, aliens are not as popular with American audiences as fire and earthquakes. Because of this, it would appear that there will be no alien relations assemblies in the near future. Therefore, I have composed this E.T. Preparedness Guide based on what I learned from watching grade B sci-fi flicks at 1 a.m. on the USA network.

1. If you encounter an alien spacecraft while driving, never try to outrun it. For one thing, spaceships are very fast. For another, they are usually well armed. If you drag race a spaceship and win, well, aliens are known to be sore losers.

2. If several humanoids step out of what you think is a UFO and conduct medical experiments on you, and the government tries to convince you that it was really just a weather balloon or space debris, they are lying.

3. Never trust an alien over 30.

4. There are three kinds of aliens: hostile, non-hostile, and misunderstood

5. Never let an alien stay in your home, because sooner or later, many militaristic commandos will show up on your lawn with all sorts of weapons and try to kill it. The alien will most likely escape unscathed by our primitive weapons. Your house will not.