Dearest KHS,
Thank you. Thank you for taking the initiative, and showing your ambition through class-mandated phone boxes. Truly, thank you. I needed this, as I’m sure many other students did. In fact, I even appreciate how you’ve completely dismissed the idea that high schoolers, actual incoming adults, have even an ounce of self-control. Really, thank you.
Unlike me, there are a few Pioneers who are not as grateful as me towards your derisive actions. For that, I am truly sorry. From the bottom of my heart, I cannot fathom how anyone wouldn’t be pleased to see those little glossy boxes sitting on their desks each day, craving the company of our precious phones. Yes, you may be confining, oppressive and just a little severe, but that does not make you stupid. What makes you stupid is the fact that you do nothing to hide the constant buzz of notifications spitting from our phones. But that’s just some of my fellow Pioneers talking, not me. No, as I have said, I appreciate your intentions to limit the time students spend on screens. I mean, we do already spend a bajillion hours a day glued to our laptops working on homework, so I love the effort to take away one of the few things that bring us joy.
In fact, I more than appreciate it, I welcome it. Besides, who needs phones to contact parents when we’ve got a wonderful reception team to pick up the phone for you? Ugh, they’re amazing. Sure, parents will never hear an actual receptionist’s voice when trying to reach their child, but chatting with robots is honestly better. Much easier to tell your child about dead grandma after your message sits in voicemail for a couple hours. And though they may be hesitant to tell you, most students love this little quirk of yours.
Now, I don’t mean to be repetitive, but did I mention how it breaks all sense of trust and boundaries between students and teachers? Sure, good for you teachers, you no longer have to worry about the sophomore in your ceramics class hopping on Snapchat once or twice an hour. Now, you’ve got a whole new issue to deal with. Congratulations, none of your students feel respected by you. Good luck winning their appreciation in return.
So please, my dearest KHS, keep your coveted phone jails velcroed to our desks. Students may groan when they hear the bell ring, knowing they’ll be saying goodbye to a digital world for the next period, but as this article proves, we are truly grateful for your phone nabbing efforts.
Sincerely,
your fellow Pioneer