The Kirkwood Call

Jump on the bandwagon

Jump on the bandwagon

Tom Mueller, features writer

December 6, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

Jean ‘Sister Jean’ Dolores Schmidt, the 99-year-old un-official mascot for the University of Loyola-Chicago Ramblers men’s basketball team, became the idol of every bandwagon fan in March. She is the person they strive to be; somebody who becomes relevant without actually knowing much about spo...

How to: get into your dream school

How to: get into your dream school

Claire Boysen, print managing editor

November 30, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

**this piece is entirely satirical Being a senior in high school, there is one question that I get almost anytime I am with family or friends: “Where are you going to college?” Where am I going to college? Well, anywhere I want. And you can go anywhere you want too, as long as you follow this simp...

The future of Golden State

The future of Golden State

Daniel Kim, sports editor

September 4, 2018


Filed under Sports, The Parsnip

After the Golden State Warriors won the 2018 NBA Finals, DeMarcus Cousins, the four-time All-Star who is one of the best centers in the league, announced this summer that he will join the Warriors. Signing a one-year, five-million-dollar contract, Cousins will be taking a $11 million pay cut to join...

Bit Bubble: My Dreams of Becoming a Crypto King

Bit Bubble: My Dreams of Becoming a Crypto King

Jack Bugee, parsnip editor

May 14, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

On the brink of riches, or so I thought. From the first investment, I knew I would be on top of the world. Throwing money at the internet with an unclear way of how to take it out was a business venture I had to get behind. Being a savvy investor, I saw the overwhelming success of Bitcoin but chose to...

Drugs, child labor and soap

Drugs, child labor and soap

Will Drury, Parsnip editor

May 8, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

*This story is entirely satirical. I decided to take random words from a generator and turn them into a story. These were the words and this is their story: Premise: soap scene Identity: marriage beard How: belt express Conflict: snake acid Resolution: child training **This story is b...

The Environment Sucks and Why You Should be Killing It

The Environment Sucks and Why You Should be Killing It

Jack Bugee, opinions writer

April 25, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

I’ve been meaning to get something off my chest for a while. Seeing everybody talking about saving the environment has started to really grind my gears. It’s insane how far some go to protect something so fleeting. Since the human race has been beating rocks together  we’ve been on a conquest to...

Oh the people you’ll owe!

Oh the people you’ll owe!

Will Drury, Parsnip editor

April 24, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

Oh, the People You’ll Owe! Condolences... Tomorrow is the day. You’re off to a school, you’re going to pay. You have dust in your head and no money to spare. Your annual tuition makes you pull out your hair. You’re all alone. And you know nothing at all. And YOU are the guy who is lea...

I peaked in middle school

I peaked in middle school

Allie Hickenbotham, copy editor

February 28, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

art by Celia Bergman *This piece is entirely satirical When people hear the words “middle school” they cringe, gag and maybe even faint. However, I am not one of those people. Those were the best three years of my life. I dread driving to KHS every morning and wish I could hop off the bus at the gl...

Blocked websites

Blocked websites

Quentin Stepp, copy editor

February 13, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical Ever since we first got the iPads back in the glory days of middle school, the semi-permeable membrane that is the Kirkwood firewall has protected us from harmful websites that may hinder our learning or expose our young minds to heinous things such as pornography, the...

Top five parsnip stories of 2017

Top five parsnip stories of 2017

TKC Staff

January 4, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

Having just turned three years old, The Parsnip finally made it into print this year as its own section. The new satire section grew tremendously in staff, with writers from all other sections adding their own unique flavor of comedy. These amazing new writers helped make The Parsnip a more prominen...

Kirkwood High School student newspaper
parsnip