Jeb!! Bush reenters race, doubles exclamation points in slogan

MIchael Teasdale, sports writer

 

Jeb Bush dropped out of the Republican race Saturday night after a dismal 7.8 percent of the South Carolina primary vote, above only New Hampshire one-trick-pony John Kasich, and the first confirmed real-life zombie, Ben Carson. The former Florida governor has failed to garner the support of frontrunner Donald Trump due to accusations of corporate influence and crippling awkwardness… please clap.

 

However, on Wednesday night, we began getting word that Bush was planning to rescind the  emotional suspension of his campaign, and reenter the race with a new, bolder strategy. He decided to revamp his widely-mocked “Jeb!” campaign slogan by adding one more exclamation mark. This doubling down on exclamatory punctuation is by far the most aggressive move the campaign has made to date, and marks a newfound fire within the Bush camp.


Jeb!! parsnip
image by Michael Teasdale

 

Bush said that as he laid in bed the night after his suspension with his teddy bear, Mr. Fluffs!! firmly pressed against his chest, he had an epiphany. The campaign lacked “pizzaz,” he claimed, which also explained the campaign’s inability to reach any non-AARP members.

 

Bush has high hopes heading into Super Tuesday, hoping to reach the previously unattainable double digits, and regain his spot as Barbara’s favorite child. He hopes a doubling of exclamation marks will lead to a doubling of poll results, which would still have kept him in fourth in South Carolina, but a more impressive fourth at that!!

 

You can meet the now twice as exciting John Ellis Bush by purchasing tickets for his next campaign event ($10,000/head) at the JP Morgan Stanley headquarters in New York City, NY, or contribute by purchasing his official campaign guacamole bowl!!