I’ve pad it
*This piece is entirely satirical.
October 3, 2017
Dear KHS Administration,
It has come to my attention that there has been discussion of removing the most valuable and useful tool we have here at KHS: our iPad Minis. I am not only offended but downright disgusted that you would sabotage my learning experience like this. Shame on you.
I couldn’t survive without my iPad. The state-of-the-art software makes classwork and homework easier than Mr. Griffin’s world history class. Our iPads are equipped with dozens of crucial apps such as Numbers, Realize Reader and my personal favorite, Qrafter. As KHS students, we are faced with hundreds of QR codes and graphing dilemmas every day. The absence of the App Store is hardly an inconvenience when we have access to these programs, which make life a breeze. Even more useful than these essential tools are the lightning fast word processing apps. As my fingers twiddle over the on-screen keyboard, I can always trust that Google Docs is right there with me with no delay whatsoever.
Many students prefer to use their personal cellphones over the iPads for in-class activities such as Kahoot, online surveys and taking photos, but this is both a major waste of resources and just plain disrespectful. I would much rather hoist my iPad into the air, obscuring the view of my classmates, to take a fuzzy, illegible picture of the board than use my HD iPhone 7 Plus camera. What will these unappreciative students do when their phone gets put in phone jail? Riddle me that, administration.
And (I will attempt to keep my gag reflex under control as I type this) there have been rumors of an even greater evil entering the halls of our beloved school.
I do not come to school to watch my classmates play Webkinz or online shop all day. I come to learn. Laptops will provide nothing but distractions for KHS students. Yes, their manual keyboard may be helpful for in-class essays, online tests, presentations, better internet access, creating spreadsheets, and a few other things, but that’s what the laptop carts are for (especially the Dells). The laptops from the laptop carts, as well as the iPads, are in pristine condition. To throw them away for some new fad would be a tragedy. Now, if the bulky iPad cases collected dust and grime and the laptop cart computers were missing keys, that would be a different story, but that’s simply not the case. I see no benefit of bringing these cursed gadgets into the classroom when our current utilities are as good as new.
Now, you may be thinking, “actually, the iPads are inefficient equipment due to their old age and limited abilities, and KHS is wise to upgrade to laptops, which could be more effective tools in a classroom environment.” But anyone who uses this argument is, quite simply, a dummy.
KHS is better off sticking with what we have. I always say, if it ain’t broke, don’t replace it with laptops. Anything but laptops. The iPads are the best thing that has happened to KHS in years and the only thing keeping students engaged and productive. I hope this letter has persuaded you to rethink your decision and maybe even your career path. Because if you want my iPad, you’ll have to pry it from my cold, dead hands.
I. P. Admini