Why swimming isn’t a sport
November 17, 2017
*This piece is entirely satirical
If I have to hear about how the Walker family donated a pool to KHS one more time, I swear I’m transferring to Webster. I don’t understand why the swim team needed a new pool anyway. Swimming isn’t even a sport.
“Anyone can swim,” Bridget Heartlein, senior, said. “All we do is float around. A toddler could do it.”
Think about it. Swimmers move their arms and legs in odd ways and call them strokes, then drag themselves across the treacherous 25 meter pool. The names of the strokes don’t even make sense. Freestyle is just doggy paddle, and backstroke might have been created by the laziest person ever, since it’s the same as freestyle but on your back. I don’t even know where to start with butterfly, it looks like someone whose legs are tied together trying to not drown. Pitiful. Props to the person who made up breaststroke though. When people swim breaststroke they really do look like frogs. Broken frogs.
Aside from the ridiculous strokes, swim meets are beyond pointless. It doesn’t seem worth it to stand on a humid pool deck for more than two hours just waiting to swim a race that’s a minute long. Instead of pretending to cheer on their teammates so they can argue swimming is a “team sport,” swimmers should study for their biology tests. At least, that’s what I would do. Swimming is not a team sport because they all swim individually and don’t even support each other when they race. How can swimming be considered a team sport if not everyone has the same goal? And people get so upset when they are beat. Big deal. You aren’t a good swimmer anyway.
People wonder what swimmers do for those two hours after school during “practice.” Well, it’s not much. A typical practice begins with Coach Beasley lecturing the team. You think they discuss strategies to beat the other teams and how to make the defense stronger like in football, right? No way. Adding on, after that, they move on to a “kick set,” where five swimmers squish together in one lane side by side and kick. Then, they begin dolphin dives for maybe an hour and that’s supposed to help them build stronger muscles, but it doesn’t because it requires no physical strength at all. That pretty much sums up practice.
You may have overheard swimmers complaining about how tough swimming the 200-meter freestyle 20 times sprinting was, but this is all a bunch of bologna. It makes me laugh when swimmers babble on about how sore they are from dryland. Again, another myth from those pesky swimmers. Swimmers don’t do dryland and definitely don’t do weight room workouts on Wednesday and Saturday mornings. But, I mean, how would I know? It’s not like I’ve ever been to one of those dryland workouts at 5:45 a.m. on Wednesdays, and they for sure didn’t have a two-hour practice after school that day. Sheesh, swimmers are such wimps.
“Swimming isn’t a sport,” Poppy Rost, junior, laughed. “We just spend 16 plus hours a week in the pool playing games.”
And what is with all the shaving? Removing hair from their arms and legs is not actually going to improve their time by a few hundredths of a second. Nice try though. Another thing is the kneeskins, those insanely expensive and uncomfortable-looking knee length suits they wear. The point is to make them faster, but it’s all in their heads. I don’t know any swimmer whose time has dropped due to wearing a kneeskin. How embarrassing. Swimming sounds like something I would never want to do or watch in my free time. However, I don’t know too much about this worthless “sport.” It’s not like I swim or anything.
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Aaron • Jun 8, 2022 at 5:57 am
Whoever wrote this does not know a lot about swimming to be honest when we train about 1 and half hours every 2nd day and we swim about 3 to 5 km every seesion, we are never crammed into 1 lane we have atleast 3 lanes with max 3 people in 1 lane, wherever you heard that you do dives for an hour is stupid me might only do 10 to 20 mins every week most of that time its training and if our coacklh wants to talk with us its after never before because we waist time, if you really think swimming at about sprint pace for 200m is easy your lying yourself this article is so biased and so untrue
Claire • Jan 29, 2022 at 12:49 am
Your done I can’t- I just 😐 I- I don’t know what to say to this maybe go write this after doing 10 straight years of swimming *sigh*
Bree • Dec 9, 2021 at 1:00 pm
I can see why many of you must be confused or angry to see someone bashing every part of swimming and stating it isn’t a sport, but the author Allie Hickenbotham wrote an entire satirical article based on the statement “swimming isn’t a sport”, to demonstrate the societal view many people perceive on this activity. My name is Breanna Triplett and I have been a competitive swimmer for an ongoing 9 years. Swimming has not only shaped me physically but also shaped me into the person I am today. First, the author states the odd ways in which we swim, and how we call each of them different strokes. In swimming the four main strokes, Butterfly, Backstroke, Breaststroke, and Freestyle all focus on different parts and muscles of the body. Through this you aren’t swimming aimlessly, but actually very strategical; as the faster and better you penetrate your muscles, the faster you will go. But how would you know if practicing these strokes is paying off, if swim meets and practice are stupid and don’t matter? Because in reality it does matter. Through personal experience and acknowledgment of college and Olympic athletes, practice is not even close to easy. Every coach wants to see you improve and grow to reach your full potential, this means putting in maximum effort every minute you swim. But on the other hand, I completely understand that you only get as much out as you put in. So if you show up at practice and work your hardest everyday it will pay off, but if you go and mess around every time, it won’t. The same things goes with meets. No, you won’t drop time every meet but when you look up at the clock and see you dropped even 0.1 seconds it makes you feel as if your on cloud nine. According to dictionary.com, “swimming is an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against one another for entertainment”. Evidently swimming meets both requirements and is even found to be one of the best and hardest sports for you. Through the use of practice, development of strokes, and striving for self achievement, swimming in not only a great sport, but definitely under-minded as proven by Allie Hickenbotham in this statirical text.
M.P • Oct 23, 2021 at 11:23 pm
First of all, swimming practices do not start with lectures.
We do not squish into one lane side by side, and that is called ‘partner kick’. It is almost never allowed and lanes only let two people, maybe three, kick side by side. Second, dolphin dives are for the younger kids to learn how to streamline and it is never an hour unless you are working SPECIFICALLY on streamline.
“You may have overheard swimmers complaining about how tough swimming the 200-meter freestyle 20 times sprinting was, but this is all a bunch of bologna.” Oh? Have you ever done this, then? How about you try sprinting a 500.
Yes, it may be true that most of us do not weight lift, but we regularly do dryland. It is to make room for more muscles to come in.
“And what is with all the shaving? Removing hair from their arms and legs is not actually going to improve their time by a few hundredths of a second.” Actually, you’d be surprised. Try swimming with shaggy leg hair and long armpit hair. Then, shave it all off and see what difference it makes.
“Freestyle is just doggy paddle” This is also completely false. In freestyle, the goal is to stretch your arms out as far as you can and hook the water with your hands, making you go faster.
Clearly you have never swum before. People who think swimming is the easiest need to wake up to reality and actually try it.
Yer muhther • Oct 22, 2021 at 1:59 pm
I can’t words
lemonxbanana slow burn • Oct 18, 2021 at 5:51 pm
lool nice
i’m a swimmer too and i happened to see the disclaimer before i rage commented something
you did this sarcasm so well it actually sounds like something a non-swimmer would say lmao nice job
kpoole • Jul 29, 2021 at 10:03 am
To everyone who’s saying “you don’t know how hard swimming is”: You are right that swimming is hard, but this article is satire. That means that it’s fake. It is a joke. Don’t take things so literally, and try to notice sarcasm.
Victoria • Jul 21, 2021 at 3:49 pm
The amount of ignorance in this article actually shocks me. The author claims she was a swimmer for over 10 years; either this article is a joke or she is. Anyone who’s ever swum before would know that it isn’t easy. Sure, babies swim. But do babies win gold medals at the Olympics? There’s a difference between swimming for fun and swimming competitively. I sure hope this article is just some twisted joke. I’m tired of people claiming that swimming isn’t hard when they haven’t tried it. I hate it even more when said people say that they do swim. No, you don’t swim. Even if you do “swim” you don’t take it seriously. You’re probably one of those girls at the pools just taking selfies. That’s not swimming. Please educate yourself before posting inaccurate articles like this; it spreads false information. Quite frankly, this article is a travesty.
Victoria • Jul 21, 2021 at 3:48 pm
The amount of ignorance in this article actually shocks me. The author claims she was a swimmer for over 10: either this article is a joke or she is. Anyone who’s ever swum before would know that it isn’t easy. Sure, babies swim. But do babies win gold medals at the Olympics? There’s a difference between swimming for fun and swimming competitively. I sure hope this article is just some twisted joke. I’m tired of people claiming that swimming isn’t hard when they haven’t tried it. I hate it even more when said people say that they do swim. No, you don’t swim. Even if you do “swim” you don’t take it seriously. You’re probably one of those girls at the pools just taking selfies. That’s not swimming. Please educate yourself before posting inaccurate articles like this; it spreads false information. Quite frankly, this article is a travesty.
Em • Jun 16, 2021 at 1:25 pm
Bruh. First of all, I’d be lucky to only swim a 200, we have as the hard ones400’s and 1000s, and mile swims as the hard one. Meanwhile to easy 50’s, 100s, and 200’s. I spend two hours swimming everyday then I run for an hour and do weights every other day for about an hour. I’m definitely not the most competitive on the team. The early morning practices make us stronger. And yes, it’s not a team sport exactly, and if you lose you go home only disappointing yourself, not a while team! And we don’t pretend to cheer, we do cheer because those swimmers have been through a lot together at the four am practices insane 3 hour sets and more! SWIMMING IS A SPORT
a/person • Mar 9, 2021 at 12:13 pm
Swimmers: Do More Kicks Than A Soccer Player, More Flips Than A Cheerleader, More Sets Than A Volleyball Player And More Yards Than A Football Player, But In Less Breaths Than All Of Them Combined. Still Easy?
A/person • Mar 9, 2021 at 12:08 pm
Swimmers do More Kicks Than A Soccer Player, More Flips Than A Cheerleader, More Sets Than A Volleyball Player And More Yards Than A Football Player, But In Less Breaths Than All Of Them Combined.
SwimmingIsMyLife • Mar 6, 2021 at 4:25 pm
Okay…so you noted that you have been swimming for 10+ years. Swimming has 2 sides. It can be hard, and it can be easy. You probably just haven’t tried the harder side. There are plenty of people out there that swim a lot in their life. Some people swim competitively, and some don’t. I personally swim competitively. Maybe you don’t. But I dare you to try and swim like me. Nothing is easy! I think you should think before you write an article about something. I’m sure you also do a sport or an instrument that you focus on. I’m sure you know how hard it is to become better at it. When I swim, I feel proud of my effort. I hate it how you think of swimming. Why don’t you swim a 2hr practice of non stop freestyle! I’m not trying to be mean. I’m trying to express by feelings in a way so that you understand that swimming is a sport.
Vivienne • Jan 8, 2021 at 5:04 am
Just putting it out there for people who don’t understand and took the writing seriously 🤦😂
Allie Hickenbotham • Jan 7, 2021 at 10:35 am
To whom it may concern,
I’m the author of this piece, and this is entirely satirical (noted at the top under my name). This is supposed to be ironic because I was a year round swimmer for 10+ years… trust me I know how tough it is! 😂
Vivienne • Jan 7, 2021 at 5:44 am
If swimming isn’t a sport I dare you to try it, swimming is an individual/ team sport, you of course swim for yourself but all round it is for a team to see what team/ country gets the overall placing, there is also a little thing called a relay team where you have about 4 people per team race and do the amount of metres required for that race. If swimming doesn’t count as a sport then for example how does golf? You stand there and hit a ball, funny just like most sports hitting/ kicking a ball, so if you’re going to say that people are bad at swimming and it doesn’t matter if they loose or not, try it yourself you wouldn’t last 50 metres at all. Take the greatest swimmers out there like Michael Phelps for example, would you call him a bad swimming for setting world records that you wouldn’t even get close to? I think not. Calling swimming useless and saying the likes of freestyle is just doggy paddle is the most idiotic thing I have ever heard of explain how basically sculling in the water is the same as moving your arms around pulling the water and catching the water is the same, you have to be pretty dumb to think that, how is freestyle the same as backstroke just on your back, try move your arms as the same motion as freestyle in backstroke I think you’d fail to succeed, also butterfly is quite easily the hardest stroke out there, using all parts of your body to move yourself forward in the water for more than 50 metres, you wouldn’t even last 5 metres. Not to mention that while swimming you’re holding your breath for about 90% of the time whereas any other land sport you can breathe whenever you want. So how about before saying anything, you drive yourself to the pools and try swimming 200 metres of freestyle, backstroke, butterfly and breaststroke. Also, we don’t just dive and play games in the water we train for Two hours to get to success we work hard and kick is more exhausting then you actually make it sound, swimming in general is one of the hardest sports out there so agin, try it we’ll hopefully see you at the Olympics if it’s that easy.
Nicholas Klein • Dec 13, 2020 at 6:26 pm
Lol this is hilarious but false
Me • Dec 8, 2020 at 10:21 pm
Sport: an activity involving physical exertion and skill in which an individual or team competes against another or others for entertainment.
According to you it’s not a sport because it’s not a team. Well, even if that was the case, an INDIVIDUAL can compete and it’s still a sport. But that is not the case. You are swimming for yourself as much as your team. Your placement in your races scores for your TEAM and the better you do, the better your TEAM does. I suggest you do a little better research than asking a lazy member of a lazy team. Ask someone who actually does crap with their time in the pool and I don’t think you have room to talk until you have tried swimming intervals for 2 straight hours. I do XC and even after the hardest speed work session, I’ve never been nearly as tired as after a hard swim practice. So until you pick up your butt and try something hard for once, I suggest you keep your mouth shut.
Katie • Nov 29, 2020 at 3:43 pm
Lol