Why swimming isn’t a sport

Allie Hickenbotham, copy editor

 *This piece is entirely satirical

If I have to hear about how the Walker family donated a pool to KHS one more time, I swear I’m transferring to Webster. I don’t understand why the swim team needed a new pool anyway. Swimming isn’t even a sport.

“Anyone can swim,” Bridget Heartlein, senior, said. “All we do is float around. A toddler could do it.”

Think about it. Swimmers move their arms and legs in odd ways and call them strokes, then drag themselves across the treacherous 25 meter pool. The names of the strokes don’t even make sense. Freestyle is just doggy paddle, and backstroke might have been created by the laziest person ever, since it’s the same as freestyle but on your back. I don’t even know where to start with butterfly, it looks like someone whose legs are tied together trying to not drown. Pitiful. Props to the person who made up breaststroke though. When people swim breaststroke they really do look like frogs. Broken frogs.

Aside from the ridiculous strokes, swim meets are beyond pointless. It doesn’t seem worth it to stand on a humid pool deck for more than two hours just waiting to swim a race that’s a minute long. Instead of pretending to cheer on their teammates so they can argue swimming is a “team sport,” swimmers should study for their biology tests. At least, that’s what I would do. Swimming is not a team sport because they all swim individually and don’t even support each other when they race. How can swimming be considered a team sport if not everyone has the same goal? And people get so upset when they are beat. Big deal. You aren’t a good swimmer anyway.

Sarah Nash

People wonder what swimmers do for those two hours after school during “practice.” Well, it’s not much. A typical practice begins with Coach Beasley lecturing the team. You think they discuss strategies to beat the other teams and how to make the defense stronger like in football, right? No way. Adding on, after that, they move on to a “kick set,” where five swimmers squish together in one lane side by side and kick. Then, they begin dolphin dives for maybe an hour and that’s supposed to help them build stronger muscles, but it doesn’t because it requires no physical strength at all. That pretty much sums up practice.

You may have overheard swimmers complaining about how tough swimming the 200-meter freestyle 20 times sprinting was, but this is all a bunch of bologna. It makes me laugh when swimmers babble on about how sore they are from dryland. Again, another myth from those pesky swimmers. Swimmers don’t do dryland and definitely don’t do weight room workouts on Wednesday and Saturday mornings. But, I mean, how would I know? It’s not like I’ve ever been to one of those dryland workouts at 5:45 a.m. on Wednesdays, and they for sure didn’t have a two-hour practice after school that day. Sheesh, swimmers are such wimps.

“Swimming isn’t a sport,” Poppy Rost, junior, laughed. “We just spend 16 plus hours a week in the pool playing games.”

And what is with all the shaving? Removing hair from their arms and legs is not actually going to improve their time by a few hundredths of a second. Nice try though. Another thing is the kneeskins, those insanely expensive and uncomfortable-looking knee length suits they wear. The point is to make them faster, but it’s all in their heads. I don’t know any swimmer whose time has dropped due to wearing a kneeskin. How embarrassing. Swimming sounds like something I would never want to do or watch in my free time. However, I don’t know too much about this worthless “sport.” It’s not like I swim or anything.