We’re going places in 2018

Benji Wilton, features writer

*This piece is entirely satirical

Since the dawn of human existence, we have continued to advance in a multitude of ways. Through technology, philosophy, science, literature and more, humans have differentiated from other animal species through their complexity and sophistication. Over thousands of years, there have been periods of breakthrough and triumph in various fields. The philosophy of Ancient Greece. The arts of the Renaissance. And from what we’ve seen so far in 2018, we may be undergoing another revolution.

Last year had its fair share of groundbreaking moments. Kendall Jenner single-handedly solved all conflicts between police and protesters through the power of Pepsi. United Airlines overbooked a flight, and after having a nice chat with one of their passengers, they dragged the unconscious man off the plane. And let’s not forget Danielle Bregoli blowing up over her captivating phrase “cash me ousside”.

And so far, 2018 has proved it will be a revolutionary year. We have already had one intellectual breakthrough. Just as Isaac Newton observed the apple that fell on his head and pondered his theory of gravity, one teenager glanced at a Tide Pod and thought, “I wonder if that tastes good?”

For around six years since the release of the Tide Pod, infants and children have been accidentally consuming the detergent packets, as they assume they are eating candy. Now, teenagers and young adults have been enlightened to intentionally consume Tide Pods for the “Tide Pod Challenge”. As if eating highly concentrated detergent wasn’t a good idea before now.

Influential figures are also setting a great example for today’s youth. President Trump has shown an utmost respect for other nations of the world, as he reportedly stated his frustration with the influx of immigrants from “shithole countries.” YouTuber Logan Paul is also acting as a strong role model for his 16 million subscribers on YouTube, many of them kids. On the second day of the year, the YouTuber ventured into Japan’s Aokigahara forest which is notorious for suicide, filming a suicide victim while laughing and joking with his friends. With gracious leaders like these, our future is sure to be even brighter.

Musicians also continue to expand our language through their complex lyrics. A lyrical masterpiece, Lil Pump’s “Gucci Gang” was a hit in 2017 and as of Feb. 6, it remained on Billboard’s Top 100 at #17. As stated in the title, “Gucci Gang” is repeated 53 times throughout the song’s two minutes and five seconds of glory—Pump uses this repetition so his audience can understand the symbolic deeper meaning of the phrase. Another up and coming rapper with thought provoking lyrics is 6ix9ine, a New York rapper who is sitting comfortably behind Lil Pump at #18 on Billboard’s Top 100 with his track “Gummo.” This masterpiece truly pushes the boundaries of rap, as phrases such as “Blicky got the stiffy” demonstrate the complexity and emotional depth of today’s rap.

At this point, the question of humanity is not “what can we do?”, but rather “what can’t we do?”. Humans are only getting smarter, and we are more advanced than ever before. If we keep up the intellectual marvels, we may have a modern renaissance on our hands.