The Environment Sucks and Why You Should be Killing It

Jack Bugee, opinions writer

I’ve been meaning to get something off my chest for a while. Seeing everybody talking about saving the environment has started to really grind my gears. It’s insane how far some go to protect something so fleeting. Since the human race has been beating rocks together  we’ve been on a conquest to search The Earth but now that humanity has discovered all of it, what’s the point of staying? I’m bored of it.

Do you know what The Earth is made of? Try molten lava, the universal thing you’re never supposed to go near. It stuns me that people want to save a place that spews this cocktail of face melting death juice from the ground. Just to add insult to injury, the vessel it comes in happens to be a giant exploding mountain. You be the judge.

Volcanoes literally only scratch the surface of ways the planet tries to kill us. Hurricanes, earthquakes and tornadoes, are not symbols of gratitude. Personally when somebody throws a punch at me I’m not so quick to create an movement in order to conserve their life. It’s clear the Earth is not trying to protect us anytime soon. If I don’t see any sort of “human protection agency” crawl out of the ocean anytime soon, I’m going to increase my weekly “accidental” oil spills.

Everytime I turn on the news there is always some senseless mob getting up in arms about saving the animals and such. Well, sorry to break it to everybody but survival of the fittest exists for a reason. You would think millions of years would teach these creatures, but lo and behold an evolutionary optimized sea turtle can be dense enough to get caught in a plastic six-pack soda ring. If that doesn’t speak for itself then I don’t know what will.

Don’t even get me started on saving the trees. Everybody is moping about how people are chopping down the complex ecosystem of South American jungles. Boo hoo. What they clearly don’t realize is the amount of juicy real estate that opens up. Imagine how many IKEAs we could fit into a hacked down Brazilian rainforest. Plus, more timber equals cheaper furniture to be sold at said Swedish wonderlands. So while all of you are out hugging trees, I’ll be at home hugging my $90 futon.      

Nothing even comes close to my main complaint: sand. It riles me up just thinking about how a rock spent a million years being worn away just to end up being blasted into my eyes during a windy day at the beach. Sand is the glitter of the natural world, and only weirdos like glitter. If I still have something in my shoe from a month ago, it’s a no-go for me.

Apparently I’m not the only one who thinks The Earth has overstayed its welcome. Space seems to want the planet and everybody on it gone just as much. A constant threat of asteroids, black holes, gamma ray bursts, you name it. Besides, in a few billion years the sun will swallow up Earth and we’ll be long gone. Why not put some pressure on mass space travel and start killing the environment? I can’t think of a better reason to colonize Mars than Earth’s atmosphere falling apart.

Just imagine how cool it will be to finally be at peace not having to worry about all the inconveniences of Earth. Gravity? Forget about it. Fragile biomes? Don’t need them. You won’t ever have to worry about stepping into a cold puddle or spilling hot coffee on yourself. So join me. Kick back in a Hummer with a trunk full of garbage to dump in a nearby coastline. It’s about time we put an end to sand anyway.