How to: get into your dream school


Grace Ferguson

art by Grace Ferguson

Claire Boysen, print managing editor

**this piece is entirely satirical

Being a senior in high school, there is one question that I get almost anytime I am with family or friends: “Where are you going to college?” Where am I going to college? Well, anywhere I want. And you can go anywhere you want too, as long as you follow this simple five step plan to ensure success when applying to colleges.

1. Resumé. Your resumé is undoubtedly one of the most important parts of your application. It’s what tells the admissions officers who you are as a person. And while most people will only put their high school achievements and activities, you mustn’t stop there. They want to know you won the spelling bee in sixth grade. They need to know that you received a participation ribbon at your eighth grade science fair. If you don’t include every. Single. Achievement. Ever. How will they know how capable you are? Even with high school accomplishments, most people forget some very important things to include on their resumé, like being able to withstand the business hallway bathrooms or to successfully maneuvering your way out of the parking lots without hitting another car or student. Again, it’s imperative that you include all of your life time achievements – no matter how small – because this could potentially make or break your acceptance.

2. ACT score. Whether you’re applying to an in-state school or an Ivy League, the score you recieve on the ACT is vital. Adults will try to tell you that your score doesn’t define you, that no one actually cares what you get. Do not listen to them. They’re lying. Never settle for a mere 34. Do you really think even Mizzou will call that acceptable? Don’t even settle for a 35. The only score you should aim for is that perfect 36, and until you reach that, don’t you dare “brag” about how you got a 30. If you can’t get a perfect score, then be prepared to be haunted by it for the rest of your life.

3. Considering the cost of college. Don’t. Why would you need to anyway? Obviously, you should try to spend as much as possible on college because you get what you always pay for. Only paying a mere $50,000 a year? Hope you like living in a trailer park. If you’re not attending a school that is $70,000 a year or more, don’t even think about living a successful life, because again, obviously, going to the most prestigious and expensive schools are guaranteed to win you two things: career success and being about $280,000 dollars broker. You shouldn’t worry about never being able to pay off your debt and continuously living in a state of wondering why you spent $75,000 a year on your undergraduate degree in a major that literally every school offers. No, because you are special and different and even though you don’t know how yet, life is going to magically work out for you. 

4. Writing your college essay. Your college essay can be nothing less than equivalent to the work of J.K. Rowling. If the entire grade and their mom doesn’t edit your essay, you can forget about college all together. Your essay should put you on the New York Times Bestseller list. If you don’t use the longest words possible, then how will they know just how pretentious you are? Honestly, the easiest way to write your essay is to take your first draft, and then completely translate it into Shakespearean language. This essay shouldn’t only be impressive, but truly a work of art.

5. Choosing what schools to apply to. If you’re not careful with this final step, then all of your super relevant high school peers, who definitely care where you go to school, will judge you. Because obviously, going to a state school can only mean you want one thing: parties. There are absolutely zero state schools that produce successful people. Take Ohio State University for example, who accepted the notorious serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer. I mean, maybe that’s the vibe you’re going for, but I know for a fact that I do not want to go to a school that serial killers are also applying to. I will stick to schools like Yale University, who only produce the most respectable and un-controversial people, like Bill Clinton or Brett Kavanaugh.

And now that you’ve read my five tips for success, go out, apply to colleges and sit back and wait for all of your acceptance letters to roll in. But just remember, this is the most important decision you will ever make in your life. Mess up and pick Northwestern University over Harvard College, and you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. And if you read this article for plain enjoyment, and you aren’t planning on going to a university at all, well, God bless you.