Swiper, no swiping


Thora Pearson

I’ll keep the endless reasons to join Tinder brief to give you more time to craft your master profile and get swiping.

Brendan Davidson, parsnip editor

*this piece is entirely satirical

Tinder is the most infamous dating app out there. People attack it day and night, but as a proud supporter of Tinder and its innovative ideas, I can’t listen to these halfwits anymore. I’ll keep the endless reasons to join Tinder brief to give you more time to craft your master profile and get swiping.

First of all, you decide who you want to go on a date with by the only important factor: appearance. Tinder knows that looks are the first impression you get from somebody. And their motto is “First glance and you could have fun that night, but we can’t guarantee a lasting relationship with every swipe right,” or something like that. Anyway, if you fall in love with someone for reasons other than looks, congratulations you foolish fool.

Tinder is the model for dating apps. Every conversation is completely natural because random strangers feel they have to show you complete respect after a chat opens. They have to be extremely polite because they went through the immense effort of signing up: a phone number, five profile pictures and a clever bio. Also, guys on the app never disrespect women and have been the subject of heartwarming love stories from professional publications such as Real News Weekly and thisisarealpublication.com.

The Tinder business model is flawless. Since Tinder is free, they use pop-up ads to make quick bread. Revolutionary. Competition for this ad space is incredibly fierce, as large companies have to sacrifice millions and a lamb if they want their ad to even have a chance. If they’re picked in the highly selective process, then it says something to the consumer: the SuperBlender 3000 or those untested yet revolutionary diet pills are worth your money. All of it. I mean, sometimes I use Tinder just for those sweet, sweet ads. I can never click on those pop-ups that somehow open three apps and charge you money fast enough.

The amazing app gives people a genuinely warm feeling. No matter what happens after a match or date, they get to know that somebody thought incredibly hard about complimenting their looks. If you feel you don’t get quite enough right swipes, there’s a feature on Tinder Plus (the extremely worthwhile premium experience) you can enable where you occasionally match with fake profiles Tinder employees create to boost your confidence. You know they’re fake when they never have time to meet or plan to meet somewhere before 10 p.m. Those employees have trained for years on end to become masters of avoiding face-to-face interaction while slightly boosting your confidence. What lifesavers.

The Tinder philosophy reflects well on society. Tinder wisely prioritizes appearance first, boosts your emotional well-being and helps you make wise financial decisions. Tinder is the heroin of dating apps; it’s cheap, gives you a great feeling and suddenly ends your life. Life alone, that is. At some point, your looks-based relationship with a local single will pay off, and you can finally trap yourself in the bonds of marriage. Tinder promises that if you never meet someone special through its not-at-all-awkward messaging, they will send you a package with some cash and a card that says, “Our bad, chief.” I mean, they’ve never had to do that before, but it could happen.

Tinder is the foundation of American society and the best thing since sliced bread. Now, I’ll let you get back to swiping. If I can’t spot you searching for hours on end, I hope you get that noggin checked out, buddy.