How to actually find your soulmate

Maisie Bradley, PR Editor

*This piece is entirely satirical

With the surge of homecoming proposal posters behind us, it’s easy to feel yourself get discouraged of ever finding true love, especially since we all know how perfect each one of those relationships has been for our peers. As far as I’m concerned, one of those posters is basically a wedding ring because of how many of these relationships continue past high school, or even after homecoming for that matter. So, to all those left poster-less and dismayed earlier this year, here’s what you can do to win yourselves a relationship just like all of those at KHS. Here’s how to find your soulmate.

1. First things first, you’re going to want to cover all of your bases. Many people tell stories of how they find their significant other in the most unlikely of places, and one day, you too could join these ranks. Start out by joining as many online dating sites as possible. I’m talking Tinder, OkCupid, Christian Mingle, FarmersOnly, and I’m only scratching the surface. Feel free to tell some half-truths and create a new persona if you aren’t a Christian or a farmer, we all know every successful relationship is built off deceit. And you know what they say: opposites attract.

2. If online dating isn’t your thing, have no fear. You can recreate almost the same situation in real life. Next time you’re at a large social gathering, like a friend’s birthday party or a funeral, bring a stack of Post-It notes. After every conversation, give each person a rating of 1-5, write it on the Post-It, and stick it to them. This way, each person knows exactly how much you like them. Communication is key.  Also, if you find any fives, feel free to add your phone number to the Post-It. I’m sure after the next bar mitzvah, your phone will be flooded with potential suitors.

3. When you do find someone you’re interested in, how you interact with them is crucial. After each exchange, you want them to feel incredibly perplexed, yet intrigued. Although what you actually talk about is important, you need to be extra cautious with how you communicate with them. Remember, you want to be as mysterious and interesting as possible. I recommend creating your own top-secret code or using an already established one, like Pig Latin, to talk to them. Bonus points if you hire a carrier pigeon to deliver messages. Another great touch is surprise handwritten notes. Find their home address online and stake out for a week. Figure out when they typically aren’t home and wait until they leave a window open or a door unlocked to make your move. I would suggest bringing at least 75 unique and lengthy love letters with you because you never know when you’ll have an opportunity like this again. Hide them in the most unusual places you can think of so that each one truly has a surprise effect. I’ve found that some of the best hiding places are their microwave, sock drawer or toaster, but feel free to really get creative. As a rule of thumb, if this person’s house doesn’t look like the Dursley household after mail time in Harry Potter, you’re doing it wrong.

4. Once you’ve actually entered a relationship with this person and convinced them that they are in fact your soulmate, spending the rest of your life with them is truly a breeze. It’s the wooing that really requires the effort. So the next time you’re scrolling through Instagram and find yourself longing for a relationship like all of those surrounding you, grab a stack of Post-Its and a carrier pigeon and get to work.