You must be yolking

“First Watch at 9 a.m.?”

It’s a text from my dad. The last way I’d like to spend a Sunday morning is by getting dragged out of bed for the “most important meal of the day.” But do I have the heart to tell him? Absolutely not. He’s just a simple, sweet Midwesterner who has a fondness for food like any other. Instead, I force a smile on my face, suffer a 45-minute wait and endure the nauseating aroma of steak and eggs. 

No pun intended, but I’m fed up with the hype over breakfast. 

Unlike the majority of people my age, I am among the 20-30% of adolescents who choose not to eat breakfast, according to the American Academy of Pediatrics. I opt for an alternative called intermittent fasting: a dietary process that cycles between periods of fasting and periods of unrestricted eating. Supported by one study found from Harvard’s School of Public Health, it decreases not only body fat, but high blood pressure and cholesterol.

Truth be told, none of this appreciation makes sense. Call me crazy, but never once has something as absurd as breakfast in bed crossed my mind as appealing. People act as if eating in their pajamas makes them royalty. News flash: you’re no princess, just a fool. Dear God, the thought of spilling chocolate milk on my sheets while trying to finagle the remnants of an omelette makes my skin crawl. Surely, the wafting trace of sautéed onions belongs in a kitchen, not in my bedroom. 

What else boggles my mind? Eggs. Hard-boiled, over-easy, scrambled, poached, basted, it doesn’t matter — each form fills me with disgust. You name it, I hate it. Perhaps it’s their brain-like texture or the way a relative tries to pass off deviled eggs at a family gathering as if they don’t have the word “devil” in them for a reason. Who else would be behind a stench so foul other than the infamous Lucifer himself ? Once and for all, let’s stop putting eggs on a pedestal as if they’re some end-all-be-all and classify them as what they are: crap. 

Next, let me tell you how much of a stickler my family is in regards to your first meal of the day containing variety. Of course, I know by now that I need my fiber, carbohydrates, proteins, fruits and veggies, Mom. I just don’t exactly have time to dilly-dally during a grand breakfast every morning before school. Nonetheless, my mom is also a firm believer in putting something in your stomach as opposed to nothing, no matter what. However, last time I checked, she hasn’t seen my friends scarf down a stack of blueberry flapjacks from iHop or slurp a Venti Iced Vanilla Latte from Starbucks within seconds. Yeah, not exactly what I would deem as heart-healthy either. The fact of the matter is that you should consume 2,000 calories in one day — via Dietary Guidelines for Americans — not in one sweetened or salted sitting.

As ironic as it is, I work at a brunch cafe. By no means am I here to dismiss the food industry, rather my aim is to touch on the culture of breakfast itself. On one hand, it makes my day when two elderly ladies catch up on each other’s lives over a Cup of Joe or when a weekend regular sits down for an order of our Lox Avocado Toast. On the other hand, I wouldn’t mind not having to scrape off cold mounds of half-eaten fried chicken livers into the trash or deal with the hangriness of entitled customers. A personal favorite of mine is when I overhear post-brekkie conversations about how one is going to “destroy the porcelain” after shoveling down biscuits and gravy. Even Aunt Jemima wouldn’t be too pleased with that potty mouth.  

Finally, for those of you thinking, “We get it, this chick hates breakfast,” there are in fact exceptions to when I will eat it. Before standardized testing, I stay on the lighter side by consuming foods such as yogurt, nuts, a scoop of peanut butter and sometimes toast with jam. While I would much rather munch closer to lunch, research from the Developing Human Brain points toward a correlation between eating and higher test scores. Then again, I won’t go out of my way to chit-chat al fresco and see no reason as to why someone should drop a Benjamin on breakfast food when they can instead save their hard-earned money for a superior meal.

So the next time your waitress asks, “Links or patties, dear?”, do yourself a favor, flip the question and ask for the check instead.