*This piece is entirely satirical

This year I worked hard to craft the perfect New Year’s resolution. With many visits to the gym and rounds of crunches, I’m finally going to achieve an eight-pack. Accomplishing this goal will be simple considering how welcoming and cozy the gym is. Honestly, I don’t know why anyone would struggle with gymtimidation, the fear of going to the gym. 

When you walk into any gym, you’re greeted by the sweet smell of B.O. and the sounds of bodybuilders grunting as they lift three times my weight. And why bother listening to music when you could listen to the raucous workout machines? This is better than any Drake song I know. The experience wouldn’t be complete without it. 

When I get to the treadmill, I try to push this question into the back of my mind: “Did the person before me wipe off the equipment?” In reality, the answer is completely irrelevant because why do I care if I catch the common cold or influenza? I welcome disease anyway, it will only make my immune system stronger. As I run on the treadmill, I notice the person next to me looking at my screen, bumping up their speed each time I increase mine. This creates an environment free of any competition for an enjoyable run. I love it when people stare at me while running on the treadmill. I think being judged while running the best feeling in the world. I like to push myself until I pass out or fall off the treadmill. 

According to Fox News, 48% of people struggle with gymtimidation, but I don’t understand what there is to be intimidated by at the gym. So, if anyone wonders where I’ll be 24/7 in 2020, it will be the gym, my home away from home. I just wonder why anyone wouldn’t want to spend every minute of every day at the gym. This year, I’m going to accomplish my New Year’s resolution by visiting my favorite place at least seven times a day.

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