Cracked on caffeine


Josie Baker

We all know caffeine is “technically” a drug and most people are probably “addicted” to it, but it’s socially accepted, so how bad could it be?

*This piece is entirely satirical.

Nothing has more power over me than caffeine. My name is Nathan, but a Starbucks employee could misspell my name as “Nksjdlqo” and spit in my drink, and I would still thank them for blessing me with the refreshing coffee taste I crave: steamy sewage with a hint of burnt lemon. A decent chunk of my paychecks are spent buying coffee, which is just rabbit-poop-looking beans melted in hot water, and energy drinks, the hard liquor equivalent for children. I might have a problem, but will I stop drinking caffeine? No.

We all know caffeine is “technically” a drug and most people are probably “addicted” to it, but it’s socially accepted, so how bad could it be? Take this quick quiz, and we’ll talk after:

  1. Do you unsuccessfully try to cut down on caffeine usage?
  2. Do you continue caffeine consumption, even when you know it may cause physical or psychological problems in your life?
  3. Do you feel withdrawal symptoms (fatigue, headaches, irritability, difficulty concentrating, etc.) when you don’t drink caffeine?
  4. Do you drink more caffeine than you intend?
  5. Do you drink caffeine to be able to perform well at school, work or home?
  6. Do you believe caffeine makes you more irritable/causes social problems, yet you drink it anyway?
  7. Do you need more caffeine than you have in the past to feel the same effects?
  8. Do you spend a lot of time trying to obtain, consume or recover from caffeine?
  9. Do you often experience cravings or strong desires to drink caffeine?

This quiz, based on proposed diagnostic criteria for Caffeine Use Disorder from the American Psychiatric Association, may indicate how severe of a caffeine addiction you have. If you answered “yes” to two or three of these questions, you have a mild case; four to five is moderate; six or more is severe.

So, now you know that you’re also addicted to caffeine. If you aren’t, you must be superhuman, not sleep deprived or one of those people who claim to be “crackheads” after they drink a small iced latte. But I’m going to assume you’re normal and have at least a mild case. It’s alright, you’re not alone; according to a journal of caffeine research in the US National Library of Medicine National Institutes of Health, 90% of adults use caffeine regularly. We’re in this together, so let’s go over some potential cures for our caffeine cravings.

Do you have a caffeine addiction?


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Quit school (or work).

I know it sounds rash, but think about it. Why are you so tired that you need caffeine? It’s probably because of the 9-5 (or 7:45-2:42) schedule society’s got you on. It’s easiest to just quit. You might ruin your chances of getting into college or having a job, but think about all the money you’ll be saving from not buying caffeine. As an added bonus, you can always marry rich.

Throw out your toilet.

This goes out to my caffeine crappers. It’s not everyone, but for those of you that have brown liquid coming in one end and out the other, that’s not normal. So, to incentivize yourself to stay away from caffeine, get rid of your toilet. That way, if you drink too much, your bowels will pay. You better invest in some adult diapers.

Smash your coffee pot.

Self-explanatory. Just grab a bat and swing. Then, run from everyone else in your house. They won’t understand.

Stop exercising and quit all sports.

Caffeine pushers weren’t satisfied with their audience of middle-aged parents with “don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee” mugs, so they moved on to the fitness industry. Pre-workout supplements and energy drinks advertised toward athletes and “healthy lifestyles” (like Celsius) are more popular than ever. It’s best to just stay home and play video games. Oh wait, you can’t do that either. There’s an energy drink for gamers too (G Fuel). Because gamers need caffeine…to play Fortnite.

Get more sleep.

This one’s pretty unrealistic, but my mom always says it, so…good luck.

With these tips, we’re sure to be caffeine-free in no time. If you need more, just let me know. We can talk about it over a cup of coffee.