In the midst of numerous KHS employees announcing their retirement following the 2010–11 school year, one retirement announcement was a little more serious and surprising. The retiree in question is Dr. David Holley, current KHS principal. There’s been a lot of questions and speculation regarding who would possibly take Dr. Holley’s place. So, in an effort to make the new principal search a little easier, I’ve compiled my own list of the top three candidates I feel are best suited to step into the principal position.

Name: Lindsay Lohan

Current Occupation: “Actress”

Current Age: 24

Some know her as America’s (previous) sweetheart, others as Hollywood’s (former) pride and joy, but most know her as the (current) queen of rehab. A little cocaine here, a little alcohol there, this girl has got it going on. Who better to run a high school than a 24-year-old raging drug and alcohol addict? Lohan’s been to rehab three times, always leaving within a matter of days, which shows she’s 100 percent committed to turning her life around and bettering herself. Lohan also starred in Mean Girls, a motion picture that put a spotlight on the ruthlessness of high schoolers. She obviously knows what it’s like to be a normal high school teenager, making her the perfect fit to take over as KHS principal.

Name: Fidel Castro

Current Occupation: Dictator of Cuba

Current Age: Unknown

Castro is the definition of a fearless leader, which is exactly what we’ll need after Dr. Holley’s departure. At the ripe age of 84, Castro is in his prime and more ready than ever to take the reins of a high school. Forget the fact that he’s been on his deathbed for five years, and his slight (also known as major) disdain for the U.S., Castro is ruthless in all his endeavors. So yeah, he’s wanted to declare nuclear war on multiple occasions, and sure, he has a love affair with communism. We all make our fair share of mistakes. His just happen to be either incredibly brash or a slight bit concerning. A little nuclear warfare never hurt anybody anyway, right?

Name: Amber Portwood

Current Occupation: Teen mom

Current Age: 20

She’s 20 years old, a teen mom and currently facing three charges of domestic violence. Perfection. Portwood was thrust into the spotlight upon her appearance on the MTV show 16 and Pregnant, which showcased her struggles with former boyfriend Gary Shirley. Portwood is the definition of ruthless and aggressive, which is exactly what Dr. Holley’s position calls for. How ruthless? She beat up Shirley – on camera – on numerous occasions. How aggressive? I repeat: she beat up Shirley – on camera – on multiple occasions. When a fight breaks out at KHS, Portwood won’t skip a beat to get in the middle of the violence. And by get in the middle of it, I mean enter herself into the altercation and throw some punches.