As I glance at the Mayan calendar hanging on my wall, it becomes increasingly apparent that the end of life as we know is coming soon. That’s right, I’m talking about Dec. 21, 2012, just days away. Most people become depressed thinking about the impending apocalypse, but not me. I view doomsday as the ultimate challenge. I wait in anticipation for the approaching day so I can put all of my hard work and planning to the test. If you want to live to see 2013, I suggest you keep reading.
I know there is a lot of debate about whether the world will end or not. The answer is yes, it will. Just look at the world around you. Global warming, natural disasters, Hostess going out of business. It’s not quite certain what type of apocalypse we will experience, but I have a few ideas. First, a flood. With stories of world-wide floods mentioned in almost all religious texts, it is possible we might all have to revert back into our web-footed ancestors. My second idea is an earthquake, but not just any earthquake. I’m talking about one so large the world will split in half. Another idea is a planetary object colliding with Earth. It happened to the dinosaurs, why couldn’t happen again? Whatever the disaster maybe, it is crucial we prepare now.
My first advice is to completely stop doing homework. It wastes time. You won’t need to know the 32nd president when you are fighting for your life.
Also, when you are preparing for the apocalypse, price is not an issue. After the world’s destruction, there will be no one to collect your debts, so spend your entire savings. Only the best quality supplies will insure your survival.
You have to start collecting supplies now. Of course you will need food to survive. Canned food is best for apocalyptic situations. Purchase canned vegetables, canned meat and cans of paint. If it comes in a can, buy it.
I know the Mayans lived a long time ago and their prediction may be a little off. That’s why you should probably start wearing several flotation devices right now to prepare for the floods. The bright orange life vest may seem tacky, but trust me, when the water comes rushing in you’ll be floating down Kirkwood Road like it’s a lazy river.
Dec. 21, 2012 is coming. Hopefully these last-minute tips will help you survive. I’d like to wish you all luck. It’s been a nice lifetime in our advanced civilization, and it’s a shame it couldn’t last. I hope to see some of you in 2013. There’s one last thing I’d like to say to nature: bring it on.
*The Kirkwood Call does is not responsible for any of the consequences that come from following advice in this article.
