Everyone has their struggles. I’m just one of many. But you know me.  I’m the girl who was happiest when I was starving myself. The one who nearly wasted away thinking that to be better, I had to be thinner–not better than you, better than who I thought I was.  I’m the one whose struggles with an eating disorder were so intense they took me far away from all I knew and loved and needed–my friends, family, school and home and very nearly, my life.  Now I’m back and struggling to embrace the body my doctors say is healthy.  I don’t love it. I don’t know if I ever will, but I trust them enough to try to make it work so that I can get on with my life.

Coming back to KHS was a gigantic, scary step back into my life. It was terrifying for me.  Every day, I was sure people would wonder and whisper at how “fat” I’d become. Not only was I afraid of being shunned, I was afraid I’d start comparing myself to all the beautiful, thin people around me and begin longing again to get back into the race to be thin.  Nearly two months into the school year, I’m still anxious, but I’m no longer terrified.  A few of the things I feared have come to pass:  Some people have been critical of my frequent absences. Others have commented on my appearance or my anxiety, and there have been many moments when I’ve desperately wanted to start losing weight again so I could be as beautiful as I believe all my peers to be.

It’s been a battle, but I’m hanging in there, and I’m doing so in large part because this is a safe place, filled with good people who are more concerned with caring for each other than they are with tearing each other down.  My heart aches when I see someone struggling to figure out the right thing to do. Should I say something about where she’s been or what she’s been through, ask if she’s okay, offer her something to eat?  Is it okay for me to eat in front of her or complain about my body or talk about fitting into that dress I want for Friendship?  I really wish I had an answer. I try to put people at ease by making a joke or acknowledging their struggle, but the truth is, that just by caring to do the right thing, you’ve already done it.

I also want to do the right thing.  I want to start by thanking everyone at KHS who has been so supportive of my recovery. We’re all better off when we support one another.  I also would also like to raise awareness of eating disorders so that others might be spared what I have been through.  Eating disorders are difficult to recognize because they often start off in a perfectly harmless way: Everyone in America seems determined to lose a few pounds, and we’re all rewarded for doing it. Unfortunately, for some people, the compliments and cultural reinforcement can contribute to a feeling of euphoria and a sense of control that can be as addictive as drugs or alcohol. According to a recent study, nearly 5-7 percent of women in the U.S. will suffer from an eating disorder. When anything we use to help us deal with our problems then becomes the problem, it’s time to get help.  Eating disorders are too complex to define here, but if you are concerned that you or someone you love may have developed an eating disorder, visit www.nationaleatingdisorders.org and get help.  None of us can do it alone.