I know students absolutely loved lighting matches while sitting on couches in their classrooms and reading dangerous paper books, but the Kirkwood Fire Department has chosen to remove every couch from the building, bringing this fun past-time to a close.

The couches were removed due to the fact that they catch fire easily and are “stationary” items that have a greater chance of potentially setting the whole school into flames, according to what the Fire Department told the administration. In that case, other hazards should be removed as well. So, I have listed a few items that, if taken out of the school, would make KHS a less dangerous place for everyone. So the administration should sincerely consider the following. It is for the safety of the students, after all.

1. Those pesky paper books in all the English rooms – they’re probably even more stationary in classrooms than those little paper stationaries people have at home, but never actually use for anything. Those – the books – just need to go.

2. The desks in the classrooms are not to be messed with. They’re wooden blocks of doom waiting to consume us in fire that could be caused by accidental spillage of gasoline and the lighting of a match.

3. Since students enjoy using their textbooks as a means of creating a fire to roast marshmallows, those should probably go, as well. Too much danger in such a small form. It’s definitely bad news.

4. Don’t forget about those horrible backpacks.  They’re rubbing up against your clothes so much that the friction they cause is waiting to cause a massive fire, which is enough to ruin anyone’s day.

5. Flesh is very flammable as well, so the best way for everyone to stay safe is to wear flame retardant body suits – or just remove everyone from the school and be done with all these hazards once and for all.