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The Kirkwood Call

Text perplexed: misinterpretations decoded

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Ian Madden, opinions writer

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I hate texting. It drives me insane. My brain is so wired toward analyzing that I can’t help but interpret everything in a text, from the periods to word choice, as an expression of some emotional undertone. I didn’t write this piece to point out that guys are different from girls. I wrote this piece for people like me: the over-analyzers, the “girls” of society, so to speak. This is a pocket translator, made by one of you, for you. So next time you get a text from Mr. Right, ladies, just take a breath, sit for a second and rest assured that what he’s trying to say is probably what he said.

heyy
Girl response: OMG. He thinks I’m special enough for an extra “y.” Deep breaths. It probably doesn’t mean anything, but it most definitely does. Oh my gosh, how do I respond? Do I just say “hey” or do I use two “y’s” too? He’ll think I’m not as interested in him if I don’t. But Seventeen told me that you have to play hard-to-get if you ever want to find a meaningful relationship. OK…here we go…just a cool-and-casual “hey.” Who am I kidding? I’m desperate.
Reply result: “Heyyyyy :)”

hi.
Girl response: No. A period. This is not good. This is not good at all. Red alert. DEFCON 1. There goes my future marriage. There go our almost children, Lucy and Lucas. It’s the end. No. You can make this work. Come on, think. How do you respond? Just be pleasant…yeah…just bring the conversation away from that dark period. Pretend like it doesn’t exist. I don’t see you, period. You do not even exist. Just be pleasant and bubbly. Deep breaths.
Reply Result: “Hey!! :)”

k
Girl Response: What does that even mean? How am I supposed to respond to that? I literally cannot continue this conversation. He couldn’t even work up enough effort for maybe even a little explanation, something I could work with? But wait…what if I bored him, what if…what if he was never interested in me to begin with? Oh my gosh, he thinks I’m a desperate loser. I’m irritating him, and he feels like he has to respond so he doesn’t hurt my feelings. I’m so embarrassed. But what if I end the conversation in a way that can bring the power to my hands? What if I match his disinterest and make it seem like I have better things to do, too? That does seem like the only way to handle the situation.
Reply result: “well…ive gtg meet up with some people bye”

oh.
Girl Response: Oh no. Oh no, oh no, oh no. This is horrible. This isn’t good at all. It’s the end. The apocalypse has come: an “oh” with a period. Calm down, calm down, deep breaths. Just take a bite of chocolate. It’s OK. Just because he’s made it clear that he doesn’t know how to respond to you doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you. Who are you kidding? He hates you. You weirded him out. You made him so uncomfortable that he didn’t even know what to say. But don’t let this get you down. You’ve still got some things. I mean, there’s reality television, romance novels, and there are plenty of other fish in the sea. He’s really not even that attractive. There are plenty of other guys who are just as good-looking as he is. This is fate. He just wasn’t good enough for you. Don’t even respond.
Reply result: None

haha
Girl Response: What on Earth is wrong with him? That story was definitely funny enough for at least four “ha”’s, maybe even five. I’m honestly a little offended right now. Does he even realize how many times I deleted that story? Does he know how many times I edited that stupid thing to make it funny enough to send? It’s OK. Just hold down your discomfort and respond normally.
Reply result: “i know right?? hahaha”

brb
Girl Response: Where are they going? What’s wrong with me? No, think about this positively. What if they left to recover from how awesome I am? What if he just needed to call one of his bros and say I’m “the one?” That seems likely: I am pretty fun to talk to. But how do I respond? I’ll just give him a hint that I know he’s talking about me. Yeah…that’s perfect.
Reply result: “kk ;)”
_________________________________________________

heyy
Boy response: I guess they want to text.
Reply result: “hey”

hi.
Boy response: I guess they want to text.
Reply result: “hey”

k
Boy Response: They think it’s OK.
Reply result: “cool”

oh.
Boy response: What does that mean? Maybe…no, I should ask for some elaboration before jumping to conclusions.
Reply result: “oh?”

haha
Boy Response: They enjoyed my funny story.
Reply result: “haha i know”

brb
Boy Response: They probably had to get some food or take a dump or something. That’s cool.
Reply result: “k”

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Student newspaper of Kirkwood High School.
Text perplexed: misinterpretations decoded