* This piece is (mostly) satirical
The class of 2027 has arrived at KHS, showing up en masse from minivans in the drop-off lane. At least one of you scrolled through TikTok for advice on your freshman year. So, as someone who has almost survived four years of high school, it’s only fair that I share some of my tips and tricks.
1. Add that upperclassman in your gym class back on Snapchat.
At some point in your first year at KHS, you may make eye contact with some junior you share an extracurricular with. Inevitably, a buzz on your phone will let you know that they, an upperclassman of all people, graced you with an add on Snapchat. This is the epitome of romance, and should be treated as such. Obviously, wait a few minutes to Snapchat a coy photo of the side of your face, possibly with a fun emoji or sticker to show your personality. Then, open Pinterest and plan the wedding that’s bound to happen. High school sweethearts always make it, especially when one of them is about to leave for college.
2. Ask your parents to slow down in the drop-off line.
If you’re in need of a last-minute make up check or good-bye hug, it’s best to wait until the last possible second before your mom drops you off. It’s also smartest to leave the car when you’re at the very front of the drop-off line so you have an easier walk into school. This way, you’ll slow down the flow of traffic so the upperclassmen trying to park have to slow down and be thoughtful about their driving. (You know who you are. If you’re going to drive a pickup truck, drive it properly.)
3. Make sure to post everything you’re up to.
Feeling sad, angry or overly excited is normal for teenagers in high school. It’s best to display these outbursts publicly. Everyone wants to know what you’re thinking, so please feel free to post an update on your main story. Even better, post a YOLO for people to share their thoughts with you (anonymously, of course). If no one responds, send a half-face snap captioned “streaks” to get their attention. Another option is to update your Snapchat friends on your daily activities, such as eating food, playing sports, or looking at the sky. When in doubt, post. Digital footprints aren’t that important.
4. Stand in the front at football games.
Football games are essential to a true high school experience, especially at KHS. Between questionably appropriate cheers and taking pictures for your Instagram, it’s important to actually watch football. The best seats are at the very front of the student section, either perched on the barrier between the stands and the field, or in the first row of the bleachers. Don’t mind the seniors telling you to move back — they’re just jealous you got a better spot.
5. Read the disclaimer at the top of this piece.
In case you didn’t realize, this is bad advice. But in all seriousness, there are steps you can take to make your time at KHS more bearable. Take Personal Finance online. One word: Quizlet. Also, the vending machines don’t work when school is in session. Yes, it’s stupid. No, the people refilling the vending machine won’t make an exception for you. And while we’re talking about stupid, let’s talk about lockers. You’re not going to use them. Think about how large KHS is and how inconveniently located your locker will be. Don’t waste your time trying to go back and forth between classes. Overall, high school isn’t that bad. Join a club or two, dress up for spirit days and prepare your hallway decorating supplies. Good luck, and go Pioneers.
