The Kirkwood Call

How to actually find your soulmate

How to actually find your soulmate

Maisie Bradley, PR Editor

April 25, 2019


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical With the surge of homecoming proposal posters behind us, it’s easy to feel yourself get discouraged of ever finding true love, especially since we all know how perfect each one of those relationships has been for our peers. As far as I’m concerned, one of those poster...

You’ve got a (really good) friend in me

You’ve got a (really good) friend in me

Malcia Greene, entertainment editor

April 22, 2019


Filed under Entertainment, The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical. “We need to talk.” Four of the most terrifying words a high schooler can hear. Why? It stems from fear. Fear of confrontation and fear of the unknown. But even worse—fear of one godforsaken alternative: the friend zone. There, there, my fellow peers, I...

Driving is bliss

Driving is bliss

Brendan Davidson, parsnip editor

March 17, 2019


Filed under The Parsnip

*This piece is entirely satirical Driving is supposedly a chore. I think driving is joyous. And it’s only getting better. More people are on the road, phones provide entertainment while we drive and cops enforce speed limits less because they finally understand they’re just suggestions. Driving ...

Swiper, no swiping

Swiper, no swiping

Brendan Davidson, parsnip editor

March 14, 2019


Filed under The Parsnip

*this piece is entirely satirical Tinder is the most infamous dating app out there. People attack it day and night, but as a proud supporter of Tinder and its innovative ideas, I can’t listen to these halfwits anymore. I’ll keep the endless reasons to join Tinder brief to give you more time to...

Free the rappers

Free the rappers

Brendan Davidson, parsnip editor

February 25, 2019


Filed under The Parsnip

*this piece is entirely satirical Many public figures commit crimes. Everybody knows that. Prosecutors are on some gas because they crack down on celebrities, rappers, in particular, so they can go back to sitting on their hands. Y’all gotta chill out. Instead of trying to set an example that coul...

The evolution of the meme

The evolution of the meme

Jack Matousek, features writer

February 11, 2019


Filed under The Parsnip

As I touched the cool screen of an iPad, feeling it for the first time, excitement coursed through my body as I had the power of the world at my fingertips. Look at all the power KSD let me think I have. With my newfound potential came Safari, and with Safari came the search bar, and within that sea...

Jump on the bandwagon

Jump on the bandwagon

Tom Mueller, features writer

December 6, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

Jean ‘Sister Jean’ Dolores Schmidt, the 99-year-old un-official mascot for the University of Loyola-Chicago Ramblers men’s basketball team, became the idol of every bandwagon fan in March. She is the person they strive to be; somebody who becomes relevant without actually knowing much about spo...

How to: get into your dream school

How to: get into your dream school

Claire Boysen, print managing editor

November 30, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

**this piece is entirely satirical Being a senior in high school, there is one question that I get almost anytime I am with family or friends: “Where are you going to college?” Where am I going to college? Well, anywhere I want. And you can go anywhere you want too, as long as you follow this simp...

Five steps to the best political discussion this Thanksgiving

Five steps to the best political discussion this Thanksgiving

Izzy Colón, technical web editor

November 21, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip, Top Stories

*this piece is entirely satirical Everyone knows Thanksgiving is about good food, spending time with family and kicking off the holiday season. But, like every true American celebration, it wouldn’t be complete without a polarizing political discussion that leaves everyone feeling a little less thankf...

Why high school sucks

Why high school sucks

Brendan Davidson, parsnip editor

October 26, 2018


Filed under The Parsnip

They’re the most miserable years of your life: full of drama, annoying people and too much work that manages to teach you completely useless knowledge before you quickly forget it after the test. That’s right, I’m talking about high school. There are lots of reasons why it sucks. Let me discuss just...

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