*This is entirely satirical

Your relationship has hit an extreme low. The two of you have been fighting constantly and you’re considering breaking up, even though you were convinced they might be “the one.” In the heat of the moment, one of you yells, “I think we should take a break.”  Some may argue that a hiatus in a relationship is necessary, but really, it exists purely as a way for couples to prolong the end. 

Breaks are pointless and an excuse to explore other options. If putting a relationship on hold is the only way that peace can be made, it’s time to break up. If you can’t accept this, then have fun wasting your time while simultaneously getting your heart broken. Just know: the hope you have that taking a break might bring the love back is completely irrational. Your partner suggested a break because they don’t know how to tell you the flame has fizzled out. 

Now that we’re clear that “taking a break” is an imaginary concept, allow me to enlighten you on things that are perfectly fine to do if your partner suggests this fiction. 

Cry about it. You essentially just got broken up with. You should start getting over your partner by immediately blocking them on all social media platforms. But keep their number — just in case (because who doesn’t love texting their ex happy birthday for fun?). This will keep your newest ex out of sight and out of mind. 

Next, go out, have fun and party hard. Instead of focusing on the cavity in your heart and the urge to immediately flee back into their arms for comfort, decide to celebrate your freedom. Don’t feel bad for not telling your partner where you’re going and who you’re with. They obviously wanted space — so give it to them. They can see your Instagram posts in the morning if they really want to know what you’re up to. 

If at the end of the “time-out” your partner does decide they want to get back with you, then I would highly recommend you disrespectfully decline. I promise you, nothing has changed. The love didn’t magically come back. The second option simply fell through, and that’s why they are suddenly groveling at your feet and telling you they miss you.

Think about that. Your partner’s back-up, their plan B, their number two on the roster rejected them and you still can’t? Trust me, the entire time you weren’t officially together, you and your feelings were not their first, second or third thought. They were out with the person they told you not to worry about. You can’t even be mad, because you two weren’t dating, you were on a break. 

If you still believe that breaks are real after what’s been said, chances are, it wasn’t your idea.

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